3 reasons why you should date yourself first

you know how everyone says “date yourself first”? it’s not just about solo coffee shops and cute nights in- it’s about learning how to really see yourself, trust yourself, and show up for your own heart first. in this episode, i’m sharing 3 reasons why dating yourself changes everything- from the love you attract to the way you move through the world.

if you’ve been feeling disconnected, this one’s your reminder that you’re already worthy of the kind of love you want… starting with your own. 💕 

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Transcript

Julia Salvia: 0:00

Hello and welcome back to the Self-Love Archives podcast. I am your host, Julia Salvia, your self love bestie. If you are watching this on YouTube, you can obviously tell that I am not fully dressed up and ready for this special occasion because the podcast is always a special occasion. I was procrastinating on filming this intro because I forgot to film the intro as one does sometimes, and. Decided that instead of letting that get to me, I would just show up exactly as I am because I think that's how we should all be showing up. But in today's episode, I'm gonna give you three reasons why you should date yourself first. And a lot of those have to do with showing up authentically as yourself. And if you can do that, that can lead to better and more fulfilling relationships. So without further ado, adu, let's get into the episode number one. Dating is a mirror and you have to know who's looking back at you. Have you ever looked back at the people that you've dated? You start to see a pattern, you start to see that, oh, this X was similar to that X, who's kind of similar to that other X. And I'm not just talking about the way that they look, the way that they dress. I'm talking about the way that they are, the way that they made you feel, the things that kept popping up and showing up. Throughout every single relationship, and it's the hardest thing in the world to take accountability for our role in each of these relationships, but we have to take accountability for our role in each of these relationships. What's the story that you keep playing in your head? When the same thing happens again and again and again. I know for me, if I look back at the patterns that I struggled so hard to break in all of my past relationships, it's that I wasn't loving myself enough and thought that it was okay for these people to treat me. Horribly. But the thing is, is that I allowed it to happen. I allowed it to happen because I stayed in that relationship. Now I give myself a little bit of credit because as the relationships went on, I was quicker to leave the situation. I was quicker to recognize what was happening. But the problem was it was still happening. I wasn't leaving the minute that it happened, and it was a huge testament to how I felt about myself. The way that I was being treated in these relationships was a genuine mirror of how I felt about myself, how worthy I felt in these relationships to these people. And it's funny because there was always this pit in my stomach that said, okay, that's not cool. Okay, that is not okay. But I still continued to let it happen. Oh, you know, the highs are high and the lows are low, but the highs are high or it's good. When it's good, it's really good, but when it's bad, it's really bad. And rather than listen to my gut that was literally screaming at me, because you know, deep down how worthy of love you are, how if you are in this relationship and your gut is screaming at you, that that is all you need to know, that whatever is happening, whatever is being said to you, however you are being treated, is not okay. We attract what we believe about ourselves. If you don't think that you are worthy of love, neither will the person that you're dating. If you don't think that you are beautiful or that you are intelligent, neither will the person you are dating. Who we are dating, who we are in a relationship with is a reflection. Everything that still needs healing of everything that is unhealed and everything that is unclear about ourselves. And you're probably wondering, okay, I, I see the pattern. I see where I can take accountability for my role in this relationship, my role in allowing this to happen. What about my next relationship? What about the next person I'm dating? How do I actually stop this pattern? You get to know you more. You get to know the woman, the person that's in the mirror in front of you, because the more you know you, the more you give yourself love. The more you remind yourself how worthy and deserving of love you are, anytime someone tries to step all over that tell you that you're not that beautiful or treat you in a way that makes your gut punch you from the inside out, you'll leave because you know you are worthy of so much more than that. And that's not to say that in a relationship with someone who is kind, who is good to you, who is a right fit for you, that certain things aren't going to come up. But it's the way that you and your partner deal with them that allow you to continue to heal the parts of you and become even more clear. With who you are, you deserve a relationship that sees you for who you are. But first, you need to get super clear with the person that you are looking at in the mirror. You have to see yourself first. Number two. Kind of piggybacks a little bit off of and number one, but number two is that you build and you set the standard for how people treat you from the little to big things. When you decide to date yourself, when you decide to get to know you better, you start to ask the question, well, would I accept that if that was done to me? Would I think that that's okay if that was done to me. While you're dating, while you're getting to know, and dating you and cherishing you, I want you to ask yourself the question, are you seeking someone to build a foundation with, or are you seeking someone to fill a gap? Are you looking for someone that fills a hole in your life? Or are you looking for someone that adds to it? Do you believe that you are a whole person, or do you think that there's some sort of missing puzzle piece that a partner can fill for you? The thing is, is that you are whole as you are, and getting to a place where you can set your own standards. For what you're looking for in a partner starts with getting to know yourself, getting to know what your standard is, getting to know the type of behavior that is absolutely not okay, that you will not stand for, and placing a really high value on yourself and knowing that if anybody. Steps below that value that you have set for yourself that they are not worthy of your love. We get so caught up in the idea of being worthy to someone else, but are they worthy to you? Are they deserving of your love? We're in a culture of wanting to fix someone. Wanting them to fix us, wanting them to be that puzzle piece or fill that gap or fill our cup for us when the only person that really is going to save you or fix you, I've got air quotes going right now, is you your unmet desire to feel safe, secure, needed, wanted, loved. Ask yourself, can you offer that to you first? We're always looking for validation, especially in a social media filled world, scrolling, posting, looking at our likes, looking at how many people viewed this video or that video. We're doing the same thing in relationships and partnerships with other people when what we should actually be seeking is not validation, but alignment with someone. Because when we're aligned with someone, we don't need them. We are wanting them. We are aligned with them. We are working together to add to each other's lives. Whereas validation is this need, this craving almost of, you know, tell me I'm pretty, but we wanna shift from seeking validation to seeking alignment with someone. And if someone isn't aligned. Then they're not aligned. And that should be an easy way to tell if this person isn't your person, if this person isn't someone that should be a part of your life in this moment right now. And that goes far beyond just relationships with, you know, a romantic partner that goes. To friendships and family and work and things that you might wanna purchase or things that you might wanna do. We're looking for alignment, not validation. Well, how do we seek alignment over seeking validation? Loving yourself is knowing yourself. And when we know ourselves, we can choose things that are in alignment with who we are, with who we know we are. I'm really excited because I have a brand new card deck coming out. It is called the Love Yourself more Self-Discovery card deck, and it's all about getting deeper with yourself to learn more about you, and as we've already talked about. In this episode so far, it is so incredibly important to know who you are because when we know who we are, we have the opportunity to love ourselves more because we know who we are. What I want you to take away from this card deck is the knowledge of knowing yourself deeper. There's three different categories in this card deck, deep, deeper, and deepest. And I wanna talk about the middle category deeper. Deeper is really focused on the relationship that you have, not just with yourself, but with other people. How do you show up in those relationships? How do you show up for yourself? So before I started recording, I actually pulled a card from the deeper category, from the Love Yourself More card deck. And I wanna read this question to you. You can journal this question, you can respond to it out loud, write it in your notes, ab whatever works for you. But I want you to take a second to respond and answer this question for yourself. In what ways have you lost yourself trying to belong? I know it cuts a little deep. But I love this question so much because sometimes we don't even realize all of the ways that we are trying to belong, trying to be like this person or in a relationship, trying not to be. Difficult or trying not to be too needy or trying not to be too distant or trying to be more loving. We're trying to be all of these things, but are they aligned with who you are? Are you those things or are you being these things that you are not, and losing yourself in the process For more questions on getting deeper with yourself. Go to the self-love archives.com. Number three, self intimacy makes real intimacy possible. We've been talking a little bit about getting to know yourself and when you get to know yourself, you can be a better you in relationships, you can be in more alignment with what you want in relationships. What about that part of being in a relationship with someone or being in a partnership with someone where you need to be fully and irrevocably yourself? I'm not talking the surface level stuff. I'm talking the real, true, deepest parts of you that you don't share with the world. We say that we want connection. We fear being fully seen. There are parts of you that you might not feel comfortable sharing with the world. And to that I say that's totally okay. I think that holding some things private that are just for us is good, is healthy. But going back to that question I just asked. Are there deeper parts of you that you don't accept, that you are pretending don't exist? Whether that's in your relationship or to yourself? Are you being honest with where you are, meeting yourself in your own healing journey? Because I think that when we are honest with where we're meeting ourselves, we can be honest with where we're at. In a relationship because the truth is we can love ourselves first, but that doesn't mean that we need to fully irrevocably be at this perfect place in order to be in a relationship with someone, because even if we are, that relationship is going to bring things up for you. Because here you are combining, intertwining your life with another, another person. And that person could trigger something in you from a past relationship or could say something that maybe they don't see as unkind, but you do. And being in a relationship with someone is a lot about learning, but it's a lot about learning ourselves. Not just learning about another person. So if you can be honest with yourself about your fears, your desires, the things that you might not love about yourself in the ways that you love other things about yourself, being honest about your habits, your wants and your needs. Self intimacy is when you stop ghosting your own needs. Because if you don't know what's going on inside of you, how can anyone ever meet you? How can anyone ever meet you where you are if you don't even know where you are? So stop ghosting yourself, girl. Learn more about who you are. Pick up the phone, text yourself. Write in a journal. Learn more about you. Some of what that could look like is sitting in your own discomfort, doing things by yourself, taking yourself out on a solo date, understanding what makes you tick, what makes you stressed, what makes you uncomfortable? What are you like when things are just out of control? What are you like when things are calm and happy? What does your day-to-day look like? What do you do to make yourself feel good? And what do you do when shit's hitting the fan and you need to figure it out? How do you respond in these situations to yourself, to others? If you're in a relationship or looking to be in a relationship, how would you respond? These types of situations do you recognize when you're abandoning yourself to take care of other people's needs and wants? Four incredible tangible practices that you can do to get to know yourself on the surface a little bit deeper or on the deepest level is number one, actually naming your needs. Something I did when I was dating and really needed to kind of get clear on the type of person I was looking for was I middle list, and it was a shallow, partially negotiable, partially non-negotiable, like ridiculously long list of everything that I wanted in a partner. And by making this list, I actually started to realize the type of person that I wanted, and it showed me a lot of the values that I had as a person. I realized that the most important thing to me is that the people that I surround myself with are kind, and that they have a good heart. And that was number one. On the top of my list for the type of partner I was looking for, but it didn't really have anything to do with the type of partner I was looking for, more than it did about who I wanna be as a person or who I know I am as a person, that I have a good heart and that I choose to be kind, naming your needs, writing them down. Actually talking to yourself about what your needs, what your wants, and what your values are as a person can be such a tangible practice to get to know who you are. The second tangible practice is reflective journaling. It's kind of like writing in a diary, reflecting on different moments that moved you. Whether that's in a positive or a negative way, in a happy, fun, sad, angry way, reflecting on how something made you feel so that you can get to know the why behind why it made you feel that way. Shadow work and inner child work, that's number three. Oh. Shadow work and inner child work can be super difficult. If you're familiar with shadow work and inner child work, shadow work touches on the deeper or the deepest parts of yourself that you choose to not accept the things that may be buried so deep within you that it could be very tough to bring them to the surface. This is such a cute little metaphor for shadow work. There was an angler fish that had swam to the surface from the deep depths of the ocean, and they do not do that. And I see that as you doing the shadow work, you're bringing something that is in the deepest part of you to the surface and. Inspecting it. Wondering, okay, what is this limiting belief? What is that fear? And what are these things that I need to look at a little bit closer to understand them a little bit closer to get to know why these have been ingrained and subconsciously. Within me for so long, how do I heal these parts of myself and how do I accept these parts of myself? How do I love these parts of myself? And that brings me to inner child work. There are things that you, child, self, your younger self, may not have gotten. That you so desperately wanted, and doing the work to connect with that part of yourself can be so empowering to know that you as this adult, as this person that you are now can take care of those needs and those wants that maybe a younger version of you. Never had shadow work and inner child work are going to be some of the deepest work that you can do on yourself. Some of the things that you can bring to the surface to help you understand that when an outburst happens, maybe in a future relationship from you, you know where it's coming from and you have the ability to recognize that, be aware of that and say, you know, I'm sorry. Understanding your younger self can help you choose the partner that you want in life that values who you are and who you have been. And number four, intentional solo time. Oof. I can't stress this one enough. There's something about taking yourself. On a picnic, on a walk, on a date, out to this place, out to that place that is so meaningful. The way that you treat yourself is the way that others are going to treat you. Take yourself out on a solo date and get to know who you are. Get to know what you like to do. Enjoy your own company because when you go into the dating world to date someone. To open your arms to the possibility of having a partner in your life. You're gonna know the bare minimum of what it's like to hang out with you. And is this person adding to that or are they taking away from that? When you finally see you, all of you. You're not afraid to be seen because your worth is not up for debate and you're not seeking permission to exist. You know that being witnessed as you is the love that you deserve, and that right there starts with, I hope that you are still getting to know who you are. The most important person in your life, whether you are single in a relationship, somewhere in between, something a little more, something a little bit less. I hope that you are still getting to know you because when we know ourselves, we love ourselves. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for tuning into this week's episode of the Self-Love Archives podcast. Three reasons why you should date Yourself first. I will see you guys in the next podcast episode. Bye.