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the self-love archives
the myth of arriving: what self-love really looks like with life coach christina spinazola
in this honest and expansive conversation with life coach christina spinazola, we explore what it really means to love yourself- without needing to arrive or be fully healed first.
we talk about embracing the messy middle, unlearning the pressure to be perfect, and building self-trust through presence, not performance. this episode is your reminder that self-love is not a destination- it’s a practice, a scale, and a relationship with your most human self.
book with christina here, follow her here
connect with julia on instagram @beautybyjulia + tik tok @juliasalvia
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I really love when you said that self-love is like a scale. What do you mean by a scale? Because we're not weighing our self-love on a scale.
Christina Spinazola:Yeah. It's not physical, it's not tangible, and yet it's super real. Um, yeah. I've heard my coaches forever say something to the effect of like, there's levels to this, whatever this is that we're kind of exploring. And to me it's not like, you know, do I lift myself? Do I not? But it's really like, how much do I love myself? It's a question, right? Where it kind of feels like it always invites us into finding different ways to love ourselves more. And to me that doesn't feel, you know, another, uh, analogy there is like, it's a mountain without a top. It's a road without an end. Like there's always just more, not from a place of like pressure or pushing or it has to be more or better, but like there's always another level to finding ways to love yourself better.
Julia Salvia:I completely agree. I think that there's this. Almost like feeling that we all get from just our surroundings, other like society and other people, and these expectations where there's like this end that one day we're just gonna wake up and be like, oh my God, I love myself and or I love myself. And that's just not how it happens because we're forever changing and, and things are going in, you know, a million different directions and we don't know what the next day is gonna bring. So how can we confidently get to this place?
Christina Spinazola:And it's interesting with that, like, I'll be really honest with it. One of the ways that I've kind of seen that more deeply for myself is by judging other people who, like I've watched, like, you know, whether it's online or just sharing with me in, in real time, you know, they'll judge a past version of themselves of like, you know, well now I figured it out. That version of me didn't have it figured out, but this one's got it. I'm like, yeah, there's probably a version of you like two weeks down the road, two months down the road, two years down the road, two decades down the road. Right. That's laughing at your current understanding of the world. Like it does. It just continuously evolves and I don't necessarily, I fall into the trap too. I'm not perfect, but reminding myself like, there's not a place to get to where things are magically better. Like for me, the the fun, the more fun question is how can I enjoy this more? Whatever this in my life seems to look like.
Julia Salvia:Yeah, and I, I love that so much because I think it's so incredibly important to be like, okay, I want to love myself more, not just love myself as I am right this second. It's like I wanna, I wanna love all of the different versions of myself, who I was that two weeks ago when I thought I knew everything. The version of myself now that is maybe struggling a little bit and maybe that. That version of me five years ago, that is, you know, just still trying to figure out some things or trying to figure out who, who you are as a person.
Christina Spinazola:Yeah. And like that just doesn't change. Yeah. Um, and actually, you know, the relationship that I'm in now is incredible. I've been in relationships that have been less incredible and I've actually noticed a, like a fear pop up, like mm-hmm. I am both the same me that I've always been and I'm so different. Yeah, like, right, like the essence of you is the same but also distinctly different. Where I'm like, oh man, I can see so many different relationships, so many different, even friendships, right? Like as people evolve, relationships evolve. Mm-hmm. And with my fiance Chris, we get married in November. Um, we actually have an agreement, like we've put language to it for each other to say like, we agree to love this and all future versions of each other. Like, we're both gonna evolve in so many different ways. Yeah. And like, just like be present to like, whatever that looks like and kind of joyfully choose, you know, to care about those versions too.'cause who knows where this life is gonna bring us.
Julia Salvia:Yeah. And we don't even know who we are gonna be tomorrow or five minutes from now, or the life that we are going to be living. Like you, like you said, like two weeks from now, we, we don't actually know. It's about committing to loving ourselves through whatever that might be
Christina Spinazola:completely. And you know, some things feel easier than others. Yep. While also knowing like that kind of feels like the cool growth edge though. Like, all right, can I love myself even when things are really hard? Yeah.
Julia Salvia:Hi guys. Welcome back to the Self-Love Archives podcast. I am yourself, love Bessie Julia, and I am here with a really special guest. This is Christina. I'm, Christina is a life coach and I cannot wait to. Pick your brain today and learn about how you got to where you are through self-love and your journey in helping others with their own journeys as well. That's such a, that, that is such an incredible thing to have kind of like in the palms of your hand and a such an amazing thing to help people in climbing their own mountains essentially. Tell me a little bit about that.
Christina Spinazola:Yeah, thanks for having me. I'm excited for the conversation and again, I, you'll hear me say this probably a couple times. I don't proclaim to have arrived or have made it or have all the secrets or the answers. All I know is what's kind of worked for me and that I wouldn't say that it would necessarily work for somebody else, but I think just like the, the ongoing inquiry and exploration into like, okay, you know, I could spend my whole life aiding myself and a lot of people kind of take that option. But instead to like actively and intentionally kind of create a different relationship with yourself because when you stop and think about it, like this is the life you have, this is the body that you have, this is like, it's you. You might as well learn to love it because the other option just seems so dark.
Julia Salvia:Yeah. Really though, I, I, oh
Christina Spinazola:yeah. There are so many people that I think really, you know, it. They fight against it and struggle with it. And again, I'm, I have in my own way, but to be like, yeah, I'm gonna always look for different ways to, to bring more light into the relationship with myself. And I've seen it too. I'd be curious your experience with this. I've seen that every time I have found some ways to like, deepen my relationship with myself, how gentle I am with myself, how kind I am with myself, um, you know, how much magic or brilliance I see in myself. Like I can also see more of that in other people. Way more understanding, way more kind. Way more patient. Um, that it definitely goes back and forth. And I also see that when people are really kind to me, when people are really loving to me, like it's this just positive feedback cycle of like, they teach me how to love me. I'm more patient with them. Like everybody just wins together.
Julia Salvia:I completely see that and, and completely agree too. I think as I started healing myself. And started coming to this place of loving who I actually am, not who I am trying to be for the world. It, it really changed my perspective on other people. It's as simply as this morning I definitely did a little illegal K turn in the middle of the road. I knew I should have done it, but it's just the quicker way to get, get home rather than taking like 5,000 turns around and, and going the other way. And I had more than enough space, more than enough room to do this. And there was an older woman that got excruciating, like excruciatingly mad at me, like through her window. She was like, oh my God. Like, and I just waved at her and I said, thank you. And in that moment right there, I feel like we, we definitely have our, our bad days. There are bad days where that, you know, I'm giving her the finger back or something like that. But. I think most days I'm seeing that more, whether I'm the other, I'm the woman in the car, you know, when someone just cut me off or I'm the person doing the illegal K turn in the middle of the road, I'm, I notice that I have a lot more patience and my first thought is like, oh, this person has somewhere to go. This person has something that they need to do. If this person is making a K turn in the middle, in the middle of the road because it's easier for her to get home that way. And I think in finding that kindness for yourself, you can find that kindness for other people and think whatever they're feeling and whatever's going on isn't actually towards you. It's more about what's going on in their, in their own lives, whether they're being kind or unkind to you.
Christina Spinazola:I love that you're bringing this in so early. I mean, I think one of my favorite things has been really seeing that for me, like even when I'm being angry about something. Mm-hmm. Has nothing to do with what's happening out there. Right. Like that's just me being angry. Yep. Like this woman, I similar to you, I remember probably two winters ago, it was dark here in New England. I was going for a walk. I go for a lot of walks to respond to client messages and just that sort of thing. And I walked across the street. Don't get me wrong. I was wearing like black leggings and a black puffy jacket, like with white shoes and someone I ran across the road really short, a car drove by and was pissed, like rolled down the window like I almost hit you. Like that was so dangerous. And I was like, okay. One, you didn't two. Yeah, I probably should have had some colors on or like some sort of thing. But it just highlighted to me like there are a lot of people that are just angry. And they're always looking for a reason or an excuse to be angry. And it has, like, it's not personal, right? So when you can kind of depersonalize that, you kind of almost feel, uh, wildly empowered, like, cool, the way people engage with me. This is not like an intellectual understanding. Like it really has more to do with what's going on in their world, and you can be curious and patient about it. To your point, we all have moments, right? That aren't our best, but mm-hmm. I get to see that other people have a lot to do with them, and my reactions are, they're all me, whether I like 'em or not.
Julia Salvia:Yeah. And I, I think that if we were to fall into feeling what other people are feeling around us, especially in those more uncomfortable emotions like anger or sadness. If we fall into the, the trap, so to speak, to feel what other people are feeling.'cause there's a difference between like, almost like giving in versus having empathy for someone. And I feel like the empathy part of it is the actual healing of ourselves. Having empathy and understanding for, um, you know, this, this idea that whatever this person is feeling, especially those uncomfortable emotions is all them versus, you know, falling into the trap of this. Of, you know, getting angry because they got angry at us or being sad because they're also sad and there's such a strength in recognizing that too, and knowing that that's them. That's not me in this moment. That's them.
Christina Spinazola:One of the biggest learnings that I had with Chris at the beginning of our relationship was. It. Chris is like a gentle giant. Like he's not an angry person by any means. Yeah. But he's human. He would get frustrated with things. He would get irritated. He would get angry at at times, and like I would be so reactionary to his emotion. Mm-hmm. Like I am not super proud to say it, but it'd be like, you know, no, like, don't be that. Whereas when I could just let him be angry for a minute or like let him be frustrated, it didn't impact me nearly as much like I won. But when he was frustrated and I was frustrated that he was frustrated, one, I'm doing the same thing, and two, my experience is a whole lot worse. So yeah, learning to let people just be with whatever shows up for them, literally it feels like a superpower.
Julia Salvia:Yeah, I am definitely in the midst of learning that too. Um, I, I think, I think we think we are supposed to go into relationships completely healed. Or like loving ourselves. We need to go into a relationship when like our cup is filled or when we love ourselves, like when we get to that imaginary point at the top of the mountain that doesn't exist, we're we think, okay, we're healed, we're good. We can go into a relationship, but it almost doesn't, it does not matter how healed you think you are or how much self-love you have for yourself. That relationship, whether it be a friendship, a you know, one-on-one relationship. Bringing a child into this world, whatever relationship it might be that you decide to go into, um, or be a part of that is going to touch at every single trigger that you might possibly have. Because now here you are and you're changing things up kind of to the point of like, you're never gonna get to that, you know, that mountaintop, so to speak, that that end. Because it's forever changing. You're adding things in that are almost just making the, I don't like to visualize it as a path, but you're almost like adding things in that make the path longer if you don't just enjoy like where you are and see what's around you and see it as a circle, not this long line. Right. So back to what you were saying, like if there's any emotion that. My boyfriend likes to put out there or like it really, he feels I am like a, I'm the sad girl. He's like the angry guy and he's the kindest person ever, like has the kindest heart and that's what really matters. But he gets angry at things. I wouldn't imagine being angry at. And it makes, and I notice a lot that it makes me angry and I'm like, okay, we need to step back. Like, I'm not actually angry. I'm just angry that you are angry and I need to let you feel your emotions because you're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to feel all the things that you want to feel, but it does not have an effect on me. And he's not, you know, he's not projecting it on me. He's just angry. And then I'm just in the way.
Christina Spinazola:Yeah. Yeah. It's so interesting to your point, like. Relationships are the most fertile soil for growing because they put a spotlight on all your stuff. Doesn't matter like how much work you've done it. Yep. It is there and there for your taking.
Julia Salvia:Yeah, and I think when we can lean into that, that's, that's where like, that's super power comes from where we feel so much stronger, not just in our relationship, but with ourselves as well, because we have the self-awareness to recognize those things.
Christina Spinazola:Yeah. Like when people, you know, lash out or have a moment like, I do that too.
Julia Salvia:Yeah. So
Christina Spinazola:like, okay, you're human. Like I've got a lot of space for that.
Julia Salvia:Mm-hmm. How do you hold space for yourself, your clients, your fiance, when maybe reality doesn't look so motivated or productive or happy?
Christina Spinazola:Oh, that's a cool question and one that I feel like I've recently. Had like some understanding and perspective shift on when I first started coaching, I would be lying if I didn't say that. I put pressure on myself to like be the solution. Right. Have people figure it out. If they come in as a challenge, they leave with an answer. Yeah. And you know, the more I have seen and I've been through some, am I allowed to swear on this podcast? Like I've been through some shit, go right ahead. Like, you know. Some of the lowest moments for me, some of the most challenging things that like, you know, I probably wouldn't raise my hand or like voluntarily sign up to experience. I can also see how much I grew through those things. Granted, that was choiceful, like I took it on as an opportunity to be like, okay, what can I learn from this? But in those moments, for me, when I can see everything that is in my life now, that was part of it. Yeah, I wouldn't necessarily give it up. For example, I found coaching, I had back surgery in 2019 after a year of back pain in 2018. I hurt my back then, and you know, if you paid me to go back through like the physical and emotional anguish of like that injury, like I wouldn't be interested. But I found coaching through it, which I now do full-time and professionally, and I love this field. Yeah, I wouldn't have known it existed. So when people show up and there's something going on for them. Sometimes it's like a really simple thing and asking like, Hey, what's most helpful for you right now? And sometimes they don't know. And then I have to do my best and I have to be okay with getting it wrong, right? If I do get it wrong. But it's also just seeing, you know, if I have a client who's in a really tough spot and I work with people and they, they're really open with me about what's going on, I also don't worry that they shouldn't be there. Mm-hmm. Or I'm like, that's part of their process right now and I get to walk through that with them too. So I think it's really not just, you know, intellectually thinking that it's okay, but I've seen and lived for myself. Even those moments. They're where I was supposed to be in that moment. And so when that shows up for somebody else, I can invite them into something different. And if that's where they are, I really kind of believe that that's where they're supposed to be at the same time.
Julia Salvia:Yeah.'cause it's such an interesting paradox to look at something that may have been a struggle and really, really tough moment in our lives. And then to see why maybe like, it, it really kind of depends on how you, how you view it in, in the universe of things. Yeah. But really to see why you went through that thing to get to this that you're in now. And how all of the things are like interconnected and intertwined with each other, and how you might not be coaching if you did go through back surgery or this person might not be, you know, with their dream partner because if, if they didn't go through this and it's, you could play like a cause and effect kind of thing with yourself and it's just. It's such an interesting paradox to look at something that may have been one of the toughest challenges in your life, but then see how it brought you to what you might be doing or what, what and who you are now.
Christina Spinazola:Yep. I mean, I, I've hit the, the burnout space where I got to learn a lot about my nervous system, right? A lot about capacity. Again, really hard. I had ended a, a really long term relationship in my life. And I joke with people, one of the reasons I'm so good at relationship now is because I've been so bad at it in the past. I, I know all the things to not do that create challenges in relationship. Like again, not proud of those things, but when you can see that like it's all just learning. You get to learn from it, you get to apply it while also, I think this is also really important, both as a coach and as a human being. Sometimes someone's sharing something with you and they're just like in it. Mm-hmm. And the last thing that they want to hear is like, oh, well, what could be the silver lining? Right? Like, oh, mm-hmm. Like, it's not just positive thinking. And there are things that happen where again, it's like, I, I kind of wish that hadn't happened, but it did. So I can't tell you the system or the filter for like, when I just am with somebody in their pain and when I'm inviting them into like something different. It's kind of just like an intuitive thing for me. Like a high level of discernment, how open I think they are, you know, all those different pieces. But it's the same with me. Like I have to be willing to be okay with what's showing up in the moment while also knowing like there's always something else that's different and available to us.
Julia Salvia:That was one of the main things I took away from, you know, after my dad had passed away, I just, everyone was like, it's gonna be okay. I'm like, shut up. Yeah. Like I'm fully irrevocably aware. Especially going ev everything that I've, you know, been through, gone through, or that we've been through, gone through in life, I think we all know it's going to be okay. And I hope that we all know that it's going to be okay. But the last thing that we wanna hear when we're in the thick of it, when we're deep in that hole that we need to climb out of, Hey, it's gonna be okay. Like, no, that is the worst thing that you can say to someone. It's, I almost think it's better to say. You know what you're doing for your clients, which is just saying Hi, like, I'm here for you. I'm here to support you in whatever way you need, and here is some space that I can hold for you in whatever you're going through right now.
Christina Spinazola:I'll never forget talking with my mom. My mom went through breast cancer treatment, um, years ago. She's great now, and I remember she told me she was talking with a neighbor just about what was going on. She didn't share openly and widely. And our neighbor just kind of looked at her and said like, wow, that really sucks. She was like, it was my favorite response that I got through the entire process. Not like, wow, you're so strong. Like you can do it. You'll get through it. Mm-hmm. Not like any of that. Just like, yeah, that sucks. And it depends on the person, right? It depends on the circumstance of, it depends on so many things. So being able to kind of hold both of those things kind of in that paradoxical nature that you were talking about feels really important.
Julia Salvia:Mm-hmm. It's, it's actually kind of like the dark humor of these, you know, maybe shitty things that we're going through. There's a special kind of person that you can actually say dark humor too, about their own traumas. And I, I love dark humor. I think my dad would be dying laughing at some of the things that happen and that are said. Um, but I, I think it's actually even more funny. And then someone saying dark humor back to me, like about my dad, about the situation. I, I think it's actually even more funny when someone gets uncomfortable from hearing it. I'm like, it's really fine. Like,
Christina Spinazola:and that's, this is where it feels like know your audience. It's a really important piece.
Julia Salvia:Yes. Know your audience. The discernment in this, in this case is definitely something that needs to be built.
Christina Spinazola:Okay, so this is actually interesting. I'd love to like kind of riff on that a little bit. Um, yeah, like there's so many times in life where again, maybe you think that someone's like open to it or ready for it and you say it and they're just not like it. It lands so wrong. Mm-hmm. I think for me, I have built so much compassion for myself and like I'm going to get things wrong in life. Yes. I'm gonna say the wrong thing. People are gonna be pissed, they're gonna be upset, they're gonna be unhappy. And I have no idea how it's gonna land until sometimes it's out. So like, kind of like testing the waters and like almost risking it in communication, right? Like can feel super scary. And I think a lot of people because of that, try to keep it super safe all the time. Yeah. And this is something that I'm still like learning and working on all the time, but if you can be kind and gentle with yourself that like, man, I really was doing my best. Like, my intention was not to hurt that person. They took it in a way that wasn't the way that I intended it to be received. That stuff happens and I share it because like I just, I give myself so much grace when it happens. I don't love it. I still have that like gut punch moment of like, oh shit. Yeah, and you know, you make it right. You just keep going.
Julia Salvia:I mean, you're human and we're all gonna make mistakes one way or another. Say the wrong thing one way or another, and at the end of the day, we're not gonna relate to everything. That someone is feeling or that someone is saying. I think that, you know, if I think that at the base, at the foundation of that, um, mistake or that thing that you wanted to communicate and say, as long as like we know that we, it's coming from a place of kindness and not malice. That's what matters. And that, I think is the strength that allows us to get through the, like the un the like discomfort of like, oh fuck, I said the wrong thing.
Christina Spinazola:Totally like it's gonna happen. And the more I can be okay with that, right? So for example, like as a coach, I am human. I will make mistakes. I will get it wrong. So if a, if I get it wrong with a client, right? Something doesn't land or they're upset or whatever it may be one, I'm always willing to look at my side of that to be like, okay, mm-hmm. Where's the ownership that I can pull into that? And I always ask clients to like look at the ownership of where they can own some stuff too. Like we get to both learn together. But if I have someone in my life who doesn't let me get it wrong, the other thing that I know about them is that they also don't let themselves get it wrong. Yeah. Because if you, like I said, I let myself get it wrong. So when other people get it wrong, I'm like, yeah, that happens. Right. It made sense at the time. It, for example, like again, sharing about some of my own transformation, so I was a vegetarian for probably four or five years. Mm-hmm. And when I lived with my ex and I was in that phase of my life, uh, like. I wouldn't even buy him meat or cook it for him, like none of that stuff. And it made so much sense to me at the time. Yeah. Like that way of thinking. It just naturally like, no, why would I do that? And when now I do eat meat again. Uh, thank God missed bacon, but like. In this process, Julia, like now in the morning, you know, I'll be out for a run and Chris will be coming home from Juujitsu or something, and I will literally run faster to be able to come home and make him breakfast before he has to go to work like that never would've, it wouldn't have made sense to me before. I would've heard other people doing something like that and I would've judged them. Mm-hmm. Like, and now I'm like, okay, now that makes sense to me. So I think just giving yourself the space, like for your perspective to evolve for like you as a person to evolve. Yeah. Uh, it will always do that.
Julia Salvia:You usually see this on social media where someone like makes a point to say that they don't like something and then they like take it back publicly for everyone to see and be like, no, I actually do like that. And then everyone's in the comments. Hating on it and be like, you said you didn't like that. And I, I look at this and I'm like, do people not understand that we are not always going to be the exact same person and that maybe I didn't like olives five minutes ago and now, you know what? Now I like olives and it's all fine.
Christina Spinazola:And to me, this is the beautiful thing, right? Like when I can change my mind, I'm really okay with people changing their mind. But if, mm-hmm I'm threatened by changing course or doing something different. Somebody else doing that, I'm also gonna judge. Right. Like I shared with you, like I, I noticed for me how much I thought there was a place to arrive and I learned about that because I was judging other people who were like putting that out on social media. Mm-hmm. I was like, oh wait, I'm judging them because they think there's a place to arrive. And that's because I've also thought that like, you get to learn a lot when you start paying attention to the stuff that goes on up there.
Julia Salvia:Yeah. When you become so self-aware of what goes on in your brain. Day to day. It's so interesting. I think the past two days have been, I've, I've actually had a lot of like anger come up for no reason, and I'm like, and every part of me, maybe it's the luteal phase. I'm in my luteal phase. Yeah. Maybe it's that, maybe it's the, because my period's coming, but. All I wanna do is just go downstairs and like, pick a fight with my boyfriend for no reason, no reason at all. But instead of doing that, I'm like, and even if I do decide to do that, I want to be self-aware and reflect and be like, okay, what's actually happening, happening here? Are you overwhelmed? Are you stressed? Is there something, you know going on that we can, you know, give that, that, that that's actually fueling this anger? Because you're not actually like angry at him for anything. Like, why do you wanna go pick a fight that's not gonna benefit you in any sort of way? So there's this strength in, in finding that self-awareness, um, not just like with our, with ourselves and healing ourselves, but I think with having that self-awareness of how our, you know, what's around us, affects us as well.
Christina Spinazola:And what's really kind of fun with that. I have a sign back here, I don't know if you can see it in the video, it says, create. Um, I'm all about kind of like creating with whatever shows up in the moment. Yeah. And there's a woman, I love that. There's a woman that I follow on Instagram who's been a, someone that's kind of, I've watched her revolution as like a, a coach as a practitioner. Mm-hmm. Her name is Madeline Moon. And one of the things that she brings in is like a lot of creativity to relationships. Right. Like when you're self-aware of, to catch yourself being like, I wanna pick a fight. Mm-hmm. Right? So like, instead of go doing it and doing it seriously, like is there a way to make that playful. Mm-hmm. Right. To have enough self-awareness, right. To go to your partner and be like, I just want you to know that I'm angry today for no reason and I'm ready to fight about whatever you'd like to fight about. Right? Like, pick your battle and let's go to town. Like, yeah, that, that's creativity, right? That's like turning like this weird stuff that just shows up in your mind into something that's like fun and lighthearted, and it can actually be like more connecting than driving some wedge that doesn't need to be there.
Julia Salvia:And that's usually what they say in relationships too, like just. To, you know, if you're in the middle of like a fight, which I do sometimes, and I sometimes feel like a, a genuine, crazy person, but we'll, uh, we'll be in like heated argument or, you know, something will like be going on and I'll just like a light switch. We'll, can I have a hug? But I think that shift is, is really powerful and gets you, um, to, like you said, connect more.
Christina Spinazola:Self-love, even for me is a lot about just being connected to you. Like, am I aware of what I need? And sometimes I think that's the hardest thing when like, I don't know what I need. Mm-hmm. Right. Because that's where you kind of set people up for failure who are trying to support you. It's like no matter what they do, like they might not be able to get it right.'cause you have no clue. So finding ways to be like, okay, what do I do with that?
Julia Salvia:It's like a learning process too, because how do, how are you gonna figure out what you need if you don't try to figure out what you need?
Christina Spinazola:Yeah. Even for me, there was a couple weeks ago, you know, so much of my day is given to being present and listening to other people. And like I said, I love that. I think I have the coolest job in the whole world. And there's moments where I've asked Chris, like, Hey, if you notice that I'm like distracted or I'm just kinda like stuck in my head, like just bring me back to the present moment. Mm-hmm. And a couple weeks ago, I had a really busy week. My schedule's a little bit tighter than usual this summer. And you know, it was an evening and Chris was like, Hey, you feel a little distracted, like, can you, do you wanna join me here? And in an instant, he had done the thing I had asked him to do. Mm-hmm. And I was pretty pissed off. And I was
Julia Salvia:like,
Christina Spinazola:okay,
Julia Salvia:that's not the direction I thought you were gonna go
Christina Spinazola:in. Right. Like, he had done exactly what I had asked. And then I was like, okay, so why am I so pissed? And in an instant, Julia, I saw like what? I wasn't distracted in my head. I was actually, the first time in a while I had had a free minute to myself to think about what had to be done in my own world, like in my life. So it felt like one other person that needed something from me. And I literally told him, and again, this is a little bit of like mental gymnastics, but stay with me. I was like in naturally. The thing he hates more than anything in the world is like when he gets it wrong. Mm-hmm. Right? Like he feels bad. He is not trying to, he was trying to help. Yeah. And I told him, I said, Chris, like, I also need you to hear, it took me a minute. I was like, I also need you to hear, I see that you were trying to help. Right. You did exactly what I've asked you to do. And that usually helps. It's like, and in some way it was helpful because it wasn't until you asked me to do this that I realized I actually needed that. So like by you getting it wrong, I got to learn what I needed. And what I needed was actually time to think about the things that had to be done in my world. Right. So to like be able to dance with that of like, no, that was helpful. Not in the way I was hoping it would be, but it highlighted to me exactly what I needed in that moment. Uh, where it is like you get to learn about what you need as you go and then like pull it with you forward.
Julia Salvia:Yeah. I love that. I, it's funny, I had a similar. A similar thing happened recently. My, um, my boyfriend asked me if I needed help or if there's any way that he could help with, you know, all these huge projects that I'm working on. And, um, I kind of shut him down immediately and said no. And, uh, when I was on a, on a walk a little bit, you know, after I thought about it and I was like, I don't need physical help right now, but I need support. Yeah. And I shared that with her and I was like, I just need, you know, you to support me. And maybe help me more. So, um, like organize my thoughts or like, let me just talk like, you don't need to fix anything. Like, let me just say my schedule out loud and let, let me have you listen. Rather than me going to like voice note it to chat GBT. So he came to me, the, uh, we were on a walk together and we, I'm, I'm spewing absolutely all this information at him. And he goes to one thing that like, I, I do not want to hear, it's the last thing I want to hear right now. But he was doing it from a place of support and I ended up, you know, fault on me, like ripping him a new asshole and he was just trying to help. But what he said, he's like, you don't have a lot of time. And I wanted to scream and be like, I know. Or he'll say things like, you need to get on that. And I'm like, I am so, or like, you don't have a lot of time. And I think in those, in those moments, he's just trying to be supportive and keep me aware. But I am, you know, coming from a place of like in my head, listing out everything, doing more than what one human could possibly actually do. Um, and he's just kind of there to bring me back to reality and be like, that's a lot.
Christina Spinazola:And I feel like this episode now needs to be dedicated to the partners that just let us talk. Like it is the most supportive thing where it's like, I could probably talk to a wall and get the same benefit, but having like my person there somehow makes it better.
Julia Salvia:They can like reflect. They have a physical presence there.
Christina Spinazola:Yeah, it is. But those are the moments that are like. Because it confronts you with parts of yourself when that happens. Mm-hmm. Right. Like, oh, I just freaked out at someone who's trying to help and like I could see their heart in it and like that just wasn't helpful. Yeah. It, it takes a lot to be able to like, go for a walk and like own that though, and be like, okay, yeah. That wasn't my best. Let's try again.
Julia Salvia:Yep. To have like just someone that could hold that space for you, like you said, like having you. There to hold space for the clients that you do have or having, um, you know, your fiance there to hold space for you and vice versa. And us all just holding space for other people where there's no fixing, there's no questioning. It's just, Hey, here's some space. It's like, Hey, here's a blank piece of paper. Go at it. It's my blank, blank piece of paper. But you can have it and you can write all over it.
Christina Spinazola:Yeah. And I wanna kind of bring in something that we had talked about before. Like when you're holding space for people, kind of what that means. And for me it's just kinda like loving people and at the same time it's bidirectional. Like you hear this thing like, you can only love other people as deeply as you love yourself. And I do believe that.'cause I see, again, the more I see in myself, the more I can see in other people. And every time that I've been struggling and a coach has seen the best in me and continued to help me and remind me of who I am like by being loved, like that helps me to better love. Both me and other people, so like, I don't think it's necessarily exclusively one or the other. I think both of those things dance together at like different stages of life and just yeah, all kind of work together to be like, can we just bring more love into the world period. Like more kindness, more understanding, better ability to have conversations and communicate. That's, that's to me what it's all about.
Julia Salvia:Yeah. I love that so much. Is, is there something that you wish people would know more?
Christina Spinazola:That's a huge question.
Julia Salvia:I'm sure it's a load, a loaded question. You could think of a million things, but what might be the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about something that, um, maybe you come across a lot that you're like, ah, I just wish you knew this.
Christina Spinazola:Yeah. I really wish people understood that their experience, we kind of touched on it in different ways today. Like it's generated by you. Yeah. And a lot of times it feels like it's generated by the stuff outside of you. Mm-hmm. Right? Like when Chris doesn't help in the exact way, that would be helpful for me in the moment. Like, it's up to me to create that experience as no, but he was still helpful because he highlighted to me what I actually needed by giving me what I didn't. Mm-hmm. Right. Like the, the ownership and the responsibility of that to be on you. Uh, yeah. I mean, you can really start to see and understand that your mind is the thing that creates your experience. You have a lot more impact and influence and responsibility over what you wanna do with that, um, than if you didn't really deeply understand that.
Julia Salvia:I love that. What's a tool that you wish that the people had more of or a single tool that they knew of?
Christina Spinazola:It's interesting because I feel like the tool that I talk about the most point to, right? It's not like a physical, here's a worksheet, go do a worksheet. Um. But it's understanding your mind, right? Like when a lot of people I see kind of get into this space where like, you know, I hate my mind like, you know, it's always chirping, it's always saying things, but when you can shift from, you know, being frustrated with like the internal talk and the dialogue that's running all the time mm-hmm. To getting curious about it, like actually seeking to understand it. To me, like that process will just provide insight that like, just again, shifts you from. Not eating meat and not even willing to, to entertain something different, to like, Hey, I, I bet I could run home early to cook crisp breakfast. Like, it, it starts just making you a kinder and gentler person.
Julia Salvia:So it's more understanding the tool, like the tool of our minds.
Christina Spinazola:Yeah. It's like a, a user manual and, and most people don't read it, right? Like it is the most powerful thing, the most powerful tool that any of us have access to. It seizes our mind to, to better understand our experience and how that impacts our experience. And I'm fascinated by it. I love talking with people about it, and I don't claim to have, again, all the answers, I'm deepening my understanding and my knowledge around it all the time, but to, to give people the plant, the seed that the more you can understand yourself and your mind and what it's doing and that it's whatever it's doing is normal. Mm-hmm. I think one of the things I love about podcasts, even like this one, is. To be able to have people share their stories, to normalize this stuff. Like I'm an exceptional coach, I'm an exceptional human being, and sometimes I freak out at my partner. Like, that stuff happens and that's okay.
Julia Salvia:Yeah. Oh, I love that so much. Thank you for, for that. That's wonderful. I'm definitely gonna take that with me and maybe read a couple more manuals to my mind. Yeah. So to close out, I always like to have everyone, um, answer a question from my upcoming card deck. So I'm launching a card deck called Love Yourself More. And this is really special because I actually just got the physical box. Congratulations for it. Thank you. Um, so rather than me, you know, going on my iPad and finding a question for you, I can actually flip through the cards. So this is really fun. But basically the Love Yourself more card deck is about going deeper with yourself. And I, I love the way, the way to play it essentially is to ask yourself if you wanna go deep, deeper, or deepest with yourself today, you would choose a category. So I'm gonna have you choose a category and then we're going to, um, just pick a number and I'm gonna count to that card. There's 33 cards in each category. Um, so. Christina, would you like to go deep, deeper, or deepest today?
Christina Spinazola:I love being extremist, so we're gonna go deepest.
Julia Salvia:Oh, I love it. And give me a number one through 33.
Christina Spinazola:27, 27.
Julia Salvia:This is actually really interesting question. Um, there's about one question in each section that is very rhetorical rather than more of a direct question. So. Okay. From the deepest category. The question is, do you actually know the answer, but you're not ready to accept it yet?
Christina Spinazola:Okay. I love this question, and I would say actually probably for the first time in probably my life, I feel like I have a knowingness to a lot of the questions that are showing up, and I have been with some really big questions at different stages of my life. Um, from, you know, ending a long-term relationship. We were together for more than seven and a half years. And that, like, had I pulled that card then Yeah. Like, I, I would've been clear on like Mm. Yeah. Not ready. Yep. But I left my corporate job, same thing. And you know, I share often now, like for me, that's always been present around relationships. Mm-hmm. And if anything. Like, there's, there's nothing there. For me, it's just like, no. The couple of really large decisions that I've made in the last say a year or so, feel really grounded in, so it's actually a really cool reflection point to see how often the answer to that would've been like, yeah, I'm not ready to accept the answer for this. Mm-hmm. And how right now I'm actually in a spot where I'm like, I actually, I know the answer. I accept the answer, and I love the answer.
Julia Salvia:I love that. I love that so much. That's, that's exactly how. This question works and how a lot of the questions in the deck work, it's really to not confuse you, but allow you to question yourself. Because when we can't find the answer or a deep enough answer, the goal is to continue to ask yourself why, until you really get a better understanding of your genuine, deepest truth for your response to the question. Thank you so much for being here and playing my card deck with me and for just sharing your insights on not just being a life coach, but just being a human.
Christina Spinazola:Thank you for having me. Thank you for giving me some space to also be human. Um, and I guess the last thing that I'll share is, you know, anybody that is in this inquiry with you around what it looks like to love themselves more, like they're on the right path.
Julia Salvia:I love that so much. And Christina, thank you. Thank you, thank you. Before we end, please tell everybody where they can find you. What's the best place to find you to book with you, to listen to your podcast?
Christina Spinazola:Yeah, so I have a podcast called Walking Towards Fear, WTF, fun acronym there. And you know I am on Instagram at Christina Spin. I'm on Facebook, Christina Spinola. I do a lot of sharing there just a little bit longer than Instagram captions. Mm-hmm. And I have a website just christina spinola.com and I share this quite often. The way that I have built my business and continue to is through conversations with people. I'm always open to conversations, uh, you know, not a fit for a coach for everybody, and not everybody's a fit for a client for me. But if these are topics that people are really asking questions around and looking to deepen their understanding with one of my favorite things to do. So thank you for giving me this chance to share.
Julia Salvia:Of course. Thank you so much. And thank you so much for being here.
Christina Spinazola:Thanks for having me. Of
Julia Salvia:course.
