the self-love archives
welcome to the archive. it's time to love yourself more.
the self-love archives
from lost to self-love: navigating life's transitions + finding yourself with creator, amanda makabali
ever felt lost trying to figure out who you are?
in this episode, creator, amanda makabali is sharing her journey through life’s transitions—from growing up and seeking validation to learning what self-love really means. if you’re navigating change or just trying to feel more at home with yourself, this one’s for you.
check out amanda on instagram here: @makabali.af @makabalimedia
connect with julia on instagram @beautybyjulia + tik tok @juliasalvia
unlock more archive content on instagram @theselflovearchive + tik tok @theselflovearchives
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What is your self love journey? Like, if you're opening a book of, like, your self love journey, where would you put the pin in and, like, and say, like, this is where it started?
Amanda Makabali:Throughout, like, my whole childhood, I feel like I did not know who I was. I feel like I didn't know where I fit into this world. And I feel like I cared a lot about those specific things. Who I was, like, what I was supposed to do, like, if I were to fit in, like, just being liked and Kind of just being more concerned with like other's opinions of me than like my own opinion of myself Just school in general was such a hard time for me in so many ways. I feel like I really didn't Know who I was. I really lacked a lot of confidence I was really hard on myself for so many things and I compared myself a lot and comparison of course is like the thief of joy. So that's a lot of the things that I used to do was, you know, wanting to be like specific girls. And I feel like that's where it started in a lot of ways. As I started to lose weight, I kind of feel like I became more confident in myself for the first time. And it's sad that I feel like I have that my weight and what I looked like had to be the defining factor like me. You know, loving myself. But I do feel like in that specific time period, I guess that like, should I have towards my body or what it looked like or feeling like I needed. to look a certain way or being self conscious. When that was gone, I feel like I really started to get to know like who I was as a person. I was surrounded by like people at the time who I felt like also kind of lifted me up and encouraged me to love myself. Significant amount of my self love journey has definitely happened in like that time since.
Julia Salvia:Hi Amanda, thank you so much for being on the Self Love Archives podcast. I'm so
Amanda Makabali:grateful to have you here. Yeah, I'm really excited to be here, and honestly, I feel like you've actually played such a significant part in my own self love journey, so I feel like it's just kind of like a perfect, you know, place to be is on your podcast talking about self love.
Julia Salvia:Aww, that's so sweet, thank you! What is your self love journey? Like, where did it really begin
Amanda Makabali:for you? At my boyfriend, and I feel like he's played A really large part in it for a lot of the time a lot of people see me in different ways But I feel like my boyfriend sees me in like the best life possible that also helped me kind of realize like the really great things about myself and The things I should be loving about myself.
Julia Salvia:There's this like paradox between How we love ourselves is through how other people see us Or how other people love us, and you talked about like the, you know, the girls in high school or in school that, you know, may have not cared about who you are or who you truly are. Besides like what you look like on the outside versus your boyfriend now who really sees all of these parts and pieces of you. I always love to bring up the saying because I hate the saying. It's like sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. And I think it's so untrue and such a flawed statement because it really, words really do affect us and how Um, and it's not just like how someone treats us, right? Or how someone physically treats us, it's how someone speaks about us, talks to us, in so many different ways. And that can really have a positive or a negative reflection on who we are as a person. Of course, at the end of the day, We should love ourselves exactly as, you know, as we are, all the, all the bits and pieces, everything on the inside, everything on the outside, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, whatever it may be. But it's interesting that the outside world has some sort of, like, effect on, on that. And how that can really change how we love ourselves.
Amanda Makabali:Yeah, yeah, I agree. Our first introduction to ourselves is through almost the eyes of others a lot of times. As children, you know, we're not, we're still getting to know ourselves, like, growing up, being a teenager, I feel like even into being a young adult. I've only, maybe in the past, you know, five years, I could say, it's like, When I would say I've really felt like I know who I am and like if that version of me met me today Like I would be completely shocked about how much confidence that I do have. I feel like I started content creation Back in like 2016, 2017 and like that came out of a time of like one of the hardest periods of my life Because I was sexually assaulted my freshman year in college so after that like my early 20s like Last years of being a teenager early 20s We're living in just such a state of trauma and such a state of survival that Trying to get to know myself and trying to Love myself was made that much harder. Many people go to college and like, you know That's their first time having this freedom and like getting to know themselves Like you also have to deal with this while trying to find yourself while trying to graduate college I turned to creating content in that time period it was like right after Around when I graduated, it was kind of around the same time. I feel like I was finally done with school and I didn't know what I wanted for my life. I felt like I just spent the past, you know, four years at that point, just trying to, uh, make up lost time. In my education and like still graduate on time because when I was finally done I just I didn't know what was next and I was in a similar time period. I guess that i'm in now except now It's just a little bit less traumatic and a little bit more happy, but I turned to content creation as like a form of self expression it was kind of a kickstart of me realizing like how capable I was of doing whatever I wanted to and how capable I am of, you know, if I put my mind to something that like I can do it, I can figure it out and like I can succeed. When you started kind of shifting away from beauty to more lifestyle and your self love content, I feel like that's when I really was just like, I felt so like related to everything that you were saying, like all the things that you would speak about. Um, I feel like you made me feel comfortable in my body, especially because. In kind of in between that weight loss period that I had talked about. And now I hate like corporate America really stresses you out. Sometimes I gained a lot of weight and I had a really tough time from going to like the smallish for smallest version of myself and kind of like gaining that way back, but like not being that person. I was the first time I was around that weight with that, it was. It's such a challenge to feel like I don't have to hate my body the way that it is. And I feel like a lot of your content and kind of like going through almost a similar situation like really helps me love who I was and not feel like my worth or my self love needed to depend on what it looked like.
Julia Salvia:Oh, I appreciate that so much. I think I literally went through basically the same thing in regards to my, my weight too. I was at just like a very, very fit, like healthy, um, weight and body and like was feeling very confident about myself. From there, in like early 2021, I got super sick. All the time, like consistently, like back to back to back to back to back. It just took my body on a rollercoaster and at, during that time, the only thing that changed in my life before I got sick was that I switched to a different birth control. And I was like, huh, interesting. I did not feel like myself at all. And that was when I kind of put my foot down and was like, I'm gonna completely come off of All medication, all birth control, like, and do nothing because I want to know exactly who I am. I made all these choices because I was just, for me personally, I was just trying to really get to the root of learning and knowing exactly who I am. Like, that was around the same exact time that I was making a shift to be more intentional with What I was putting out into the world and what I was sharing. So it wasn't just what I was putting out. It was what I was putting into. So it was like what I'm putting into my body and what I'm putting out into the world, what's coming from my body. So being more intentional in both of those ways really, I think kicked off a significantly different part of my self love journey. And it's so interesting to see like how it impacted other people's Self love journey as well. Just coming to this place of being truly and irrevocably like yourself and not questioning that.
Amanda Makabali:You are like a testament to why it's important for some of us like creators to come out and really live their most authentic versions of themselves, but also Be showing kind of like all of like the good, the bad, the in between, being authentically yourself. You've inspired so many people, me included, and it's been so helpful for, you know, me and my journey to really like love myself and like even kind of explore a lot of the content that I was like creating because that helped me, me love myself unapologetically. That inspired me to kind of, you know, make a shift into. Exploring what type of content I can create.
Julia Salvia:I mean, creating content is such an incredible outlet.
Amanda Makabali:One of the things that I feel like I've been struggling recently with is believing in myself, and I tell my therapist that I feel like I have two different versions of myself, like inside my head, and There's one where I feel like it's like the true me, like the, like, just my soul, like my, the core version of myself. And then obviously the version of myself that has, you know, picked up all these limiting beliefs from life experiences, words from other people, whatever. Leaving myself has been like one of the things that I feel like I've really felt challenged by recently. And I feel like that's where, you know, content creation has also helped me a ton, is Despite how uncomfortable it might be. I feel like it's almost a form of rejection therapy in a lot of ways. Um, especially like when I talk about, or the topic of my content is something that most people probably wouldn't publicly talk about on social media or show, um, or even filming in public. I feel like that too, can be like a little bit of like rejection therapy, but I feel like it builds this kind of like mental. Strength and like mental resilience, um, to like other opinions of you, creating content and being my most authentic and vulnerable version of myself on social media. Even those moments where I'm not super confident about posting what I'm about to post, but I do it anyways. It kind of like builds that self love, it builds that confidence, it builds that resilience that really is rejection therapy. It's like, like whatever anyone's opinion, like doesn't matter because like you're doing something that you've been like are doubting in the moment or might not feel a hundred percent comfortable in, in the moment. Or you're worried about what people are going to think, uh, what people are going to say, what comments you might get and then you do it anyways. And I think that is kind of like the best way. To grow as a person is doing the things you're scared of doing anyways.
Julia Salvia:I was gonna say this before, like, when we're younger, like, people start to, like, adults, and other people, start to give us who we are. Like, that comment, like, oh, you have such big, beautiful eyes. Like, oh, you have such beautiful, long hair. Or, you're this, you're that, whether it's positive, or comes off positive or negative, um, to you, you know, either way. Like, it's Those are like the constant, almost, affirmations that we're told that if we're not telling ourselves something then we're just going to be hearing what everyone else is, is saying to us affirmation, you know, wise. And we're just gonna start to believe that rather than creating our own narrative of affirmations of what we truly need to believe. A great example, one of my really good friends, She's so incredibly smart, right? But that was the affirmation she was given, like, for most of her entire life. Like, oh, you're so smart. Oh, you're so intelligent. You're gonna have such a great job one day. Like, everything revolving around her intelligence. She was working on some, like, therapy things and wanted to ask all of her friends. Um, some adjectives of who she is, right? And I was like, you're, you're intelligent, you're smart, you're sensitive, like all of these things. And I remember her saying to me, like, thank you so much for, you know, telling me that I'm, I'm, for validating and saying that, uh, I'm beautiful because I feel like my whole life people have just told me that I'm intelligent and that I'm smart and like, that's it. It's like, I am so many other things besides intelligent. I am so many other things besides just, um, smart and incapable. Am I also pretty? Like, am I also beautiful? So I think it's so important for us to also give ourselves affirmations beyond what other people say that you are.
Amanda Makabali:Well, I do think validation and seeking validation is absolutely a normal thing. I think it's only human to seek validation and be like, No, like I'm like I'm not crazy, right? But I feel like if you're not able to also validate yourself, like that's the most important part of things It's like you need to be able to validate yourself. Like you need to not rely on validation from other people to Believe it yourself.
Julia Salvia:Yeah, you're getting like power To other people by only seeking validation from other people or outside sources beyond yourself It is totally okay to like go to my friend and be like do I look okay? And like like you said like am I crazy? It's totally okay. I think you Seek out validation from other people and other things but to only seek out validation from other people and other things and to give everyone else the power of to tell you how you're feeling or, you know, about yourself is, is a little scary. You're kind of just like, here, take the power. Tell me how to feel, what to be, who I am. It's, mm mm. But what you said about, um, the moment when you were in college, I think early, early in college, in the beginning of, like, your college career, what, I know you said it was, um, a bit of a struggle. What was that struggle? That led you to where you are.
Amanda Makabali:Towards the end of high school, I just wanted to, like, get out. And I had gotten into Penn State. I decided that I wanted to go for the summer, get a head start on credits, kind of just get, like, a custom. My brother had done The same thing and he loved it So I felt like it was a really good way to kind of make that transition a little bit easier It was a lot less people just a little bit easier to like kind of acclimate to like that college environment And I had an amazing summer. I feel like my summer there was The only true college experience I feel like I got to have, like going from the summer session into freshman year was super challenging. During that time, like we were all split into different dorms where during the summer we were in the same dorm. And so it became like a interesting dynamic to try to like, almost reacclimate to college and of course like fitting in and. Finding, you know, where you belonged and a lot of my friends I had made had joined sororities I rushed and honestly, that was probably one of the most challenging things to go through in terms of self esteem and confidence because you're kind of just being faced with rejection from like just like, especially female peers. So it's like all of these girls are essentially rejecting you and saying, like, you're not good enough to be friends with us. And back then I was absolutely devastated because I ended up dropping, not getting into like a sorority. And I think I felt like at the time that defined who I was and I felt my confidence was completely shot. I felt so unworthy. I felt. So rejected and not accepted and kind of felt like what's wrong with me? Like, why am I not likable? Like, why was I not good enough? Was I not pretty enough? What it just had me questioning, like. So many aspects of who I am and like who I was in hindsight I'm so glad that that wasn't my college experience. I don't know I feel almost more confident in a lot of ways that I Didn't join a sorority like getting through that rejection and coming out on the other side and like feeling Like a confident person regardless. It's like I didn't need those girls. I didn't need that validation. Um in order to You know, feel the way I feel about myself now, which is all the things I wanted to feel back then. That was a hard aspect.
Julia Salvia:When, when I just think of sororities, it's like you look at the surface level of all of these girls having the opportunity to be friends with each other. But then you dig deeper into it and you're taking out the individuality of each of these girls by making them wear the same color or the same bow or the same shoes or the same outfit. That's first off. Then you're taking away You're basically saying that the only way that you can be a part of this friend group is if you pay money to be a part of it. There's, that one is like a little iffy because of course like in any sort of community setting like, I go to this really amazing gym and I pay to go to that gym. But someone's offering me a service. When I go to that. Yeah, I'm getting something in return. So I think it's just it's really Dependent on like which sorority which which school which place? What are you actually getting in return? Are you just getting that friendship in return? Are you actually getting like something in return? For that, you know money that you're Providing are you getting housing? Like what are what are you actually getting? and then you have the other part of it where I Of course like there's so much talk about like hazing and and all of this. The way that it comes off my head is you're paying to be a part of this community to validate your worthiness. Yeah. By making sure that you follow these rules, these standards, and these specifics in order to be a part of it. When, it's, it baffles my brain. Like when my sister was rushing and like going through that whole process, I was like, my poor sweet sister is driving some dumb girls around as their chauffeur, so that they don't have to pay for an Uber. Yeah. So that they could go get shit faced. Yeah. What? Yeah. What? And then everybody's like, oh, it looks so, it looks so good on your resume. I was like, if anybody ever came to me, As, as a business owner, as a boss and try to highlight that they were in a sorority, I would literally say, turn around and leave. Tell me an experience of being in a sorority that makes, that sets you apart from everyone else in that community or leave. Because I don't think that there's, I don't know. I'm very, I'm very like anti sorority clearly, but you got me on a little rollercoaster here. Like I think that they do nothing good. From, maybe from a charitable perspective, great, amazing, wonderful, but from a perspective of being your own person, being your own, like just coming into like your own individuality and truly loving yourself, I think that a sorority could absolutely ruin that in so many different ways for men and women, for men and women, because it's, It's just so many of the stories that I've heard, even the ones that say that they're good, it never has come off as like, yeah, I want you to, we want you here because we want you here. It's never like, we want Amanda to be a part of this community because we love Amanda for who she is. It's, it's more like, let's be picky about who we want. To be a part of this community because of what they look like, because of who they are, because of what they act like. It's, it's almost, it's honestly more sad than anything. And I have not, to this day, heard one good story about someone who's been in a sorority. Even the friends that I've had that were in sororities. They had very few friends from those sororities. They had like, and that's really all that they, that people have taken from it. But I think that if we were to really dive deeper into any of that, it would just, like you said, like ruin, potentially ruin your college experience. It would potentially ruin your self esteem. It would ruin your individuality of who you are. So I'm, I'm grateful that they didn't want you a part of it because it probably shaped you into becoming like the best fucking version of yourself.
Amanda Makabali:Yeah, yeah, I think it definitely helped shape me and I feel like not needing that validation. I think every sorority is different and I really, I feel like I can't. Speak to like, every sorority because it depends on the school, the size of the sorority. I feel like at the time, group life was decently big. Honestly, I'm not up to date, but like I feel like now it's not
Julia Salvia:for some reason. Unless you're down south. I feel like it might be bigger like down south still. Yeah. Sometimes I have like those girls just starting college like come up on my feed, and I'm just like, why? It like if someone, I think the biggest part for me is like if someone told me to wear black, I would wear white. That's the kind of like rebellious soul I am. I'm like, don't tell me what the fuck to wear. Don't tell me how to act. Don't tell me how to dress. I am the epitome of that person. I'm the epitome of that person that's like, if you tell me I can't do something, I will, I will literally say to your face, watch me.
Amanda Makabali:You know, like back in the day when your mom was like, take the trash out and you were like halfway doing taking the trash out and you're like, well, now I don't want to take it out.
Julia Salvia:Well, now I'm going to leave it here and I'm not going to take it out.
Amanda Makabali:I wouldn't change anything that's ever happened to me. Like, good, bad, ugly, I feel like I wouldn't have changed anything. I think with college, I feel like I did not get The college experience that I feel like most people do and there's so many times you can kind of what if yourself to death and like what if I did end up in a sorority, what if I did go to a different college, like what my experience would have been like, there's definitely some things that I feel like I would have wanted, like, I would have loved to been able to study abroad in college and things like that, but there's just like a certain level of acceptance. I feel like you have to have towards the things that happened to you in life and. Um, You can't go back and change it. So, You can't go back and change it. And you can only do as much as in your power to like create the life that you like want to live.
Julia Salvia:Yeah, yeah. What do you think towards like the end of your college like career really pushed, you know, I know you said that you kept trying to, I guess like finish college. What kept pushing off the, the finish date?
Amanda Makabali:My first. Like, full semester there. Towards the end of it, like during finals week, like right before finals, was when I was sexually assaulted. So I ended up withdrawing from college at the end of the semester before finals even happened. So, that whole semester essentially kind of was a wash. The next semester I was home. Then the next year I went back. Um, lived off campus. I got my dog. And, I feel like that year was better but still challenging. I was still trying to find friends because by the time Rush happened, you were probably like a month and a half, two months into the semester already where the girls who joined sororities joined sororities and I felt like I didn't have a place at all, like I felt, I wasn't in sorority, all the people who didn't want to join sororities kind of have their cliques ready and I felt like extremely alone at the time. And so when I returned I felt very similarly, like I still felt like super alone, like I was again kind of trying to find my place, where I belonged, like trying to feel normal in such an abnormal time in my life, like I was still very much. Processing what had happened to me. I, like, got there and I remember going to the University Medical Center, essentially and seeing a therapist and I just, I, like, had said I was like, I can't stay here. I, like, just knew I was so miserable there and so unhappy being there and, like, I wanted to love it so much because I loved it when my brother was there. I loved visiting him. I loved the very, like, college atmosphere and Like the football games and the college town and I really wanted to love college and love being there and love my experience there But I hated it. I Hated that place. I felt like I didn't fit in with the people there I felt I just was so unhappy and I like called my mom up again and was like I Like I I can't I couldn't picture a scenario where I would would have been able to survive That semester or that year and my mom came packed me up and I went home. I ended up just joining like my University's online campus because I picked a major, picked a path that was like the shortest To graduation essentially. I felt like at the time I was like, I don't even know what I want to do. I don't care about you know Graduating with what I intended to graduate with like I just want to graduate I just want to get a college degree and be done with this And so even though there was only there was three full semesters that I had zero credits for like I Graduated basically almost only a semester late I think of course there are parts of me that I feel like saddened that I didn't get a college experience But again, I feel like it would not change Anything that's ever happened to me just because it's every single thing I've ever done every thing that's ever happened to me It's just led me to who I am now We're now and I feel extremely proud of the person that I have become and the person I'm becoming and I think that's just I Think the most important thing. I think that's what life is like really about is just continuously learning to like love yourself and your life Despite what obstacles and challenges you're faced because we're just not here for a long time and anything that we're going through is meant to teach us something. So that's what I fully believe.
Julia Salvia:Yeah. What would you say to college Amanda during the worst, you know, one of the worst days or worst times or worst periods of college? What would you say to her?
Amanda Makabali:Hmm. I feel like I'm going to cry. Time of my life. Like that was a hard time in my life in so many ways. Like. I was a shell of a person at that time, just trying to, like, make it through. Um, but I would tell that version of myself, like, how proud I am. Because, despite, because, like, I look back at it sometimes, and at the time it didn't seem like a crazy thing to do, but when I look back at it now, I'm like, holy shit, like, you went through something unspeakable. Something that, unfortunately, is way too common that it is. Something incredibly traumatic, like the amount of resilience, I think, as a woman that I showed throughout that whole part of my life, like despite majority of the weight that I gained had been after my sexual assault and I felt like it very much was some sort of like protective, almost a defense mechanism in a way, like I felt like, you know, like if I was a less desirable body that I would be safer. At that time I was going through so much and I still managed to graduate and really, like, made it through. Like, I really was resilient through all that, even though I felt like the weakest version of myself. Like, now I look back on it and I'm like, no, that was probably one of the strongest versions of yourself because you were going through so much and yet you, like, woke up the next day and pushed through and it took a really long time to get to the other side of things, but you got to the other side of things and, like, that is an accomplishment in itself.
Julia Salvia:Would you say that you believe in her?
Amanda Makabali:I do.
Julia Salvia:Full circle!
Amanda Makabali:I do. I do believe in her. I need to believe in her, because if I can't believe in her, like, who's gonna believe in her? Who's gonna believe in me if I can't believe in
Julia Salvia:myself? It's so important, too, to like, look at like, where, like, how far you've come and like, where you've gotten to, to this point. Even if right now, in this point in your life, like, you Wish certain things were different, certain things were better, or you expected more. You still are so much better of a person, and you've grown so much more than who, you know, Amanda was in college.
Amanda Makabali:Yeah, I
Julia Salvia:think
Amanda Makabali:it's so easy, especially With social media, especially like with everything, we were constantly seeing like the highlight reel of people's lives, and I think it's so easy to compare, it's so easy to wish, um, your life was different, it's so easy to wish that you had certain things, or you were more like a certain person, one of those corny, cliche sayings, but you really have to learn to love your journey, and love the journey, and not the destination, of like, who you were there, It's Because it's so easy to be like, oh, I want this, I want this, like, I wish my life looked like this, and like, whatever. And just because those things aren't in your current present moment right now doesn't mean that they're not going to be in your future. Knowing the process of all of this, I feel like it's really what I've tried to focus on, is just learning to be present. Because that's so hard sometimes. Learn to love this present moment.
Julia Salvia:A hundred percent. And it even goes to say, like, living in the present. Present and like actually enjoying the journey that you're, that you're on. It's, as we said before, like you're going to constantly, if you're not actually living in the present and you're not enjoying the journey, like you're just going to be constantly chasing something that you're never going to catch up to. Because I don't really believe that there is a destination. Like you're not going to wake up one day and say, Oh, I love myself. Like it's never, it's never going to feel that way. Yeah, like it's never going to feel that way, like you're going to wake up some days and you're not going to like what you see. You're going to wake up some days and life's just going to be different, like things always are changing. And there are, the destination is almost like infinity. It's really just about enjoying like life and as you said, like enjoying life and enjoying the process and enjoying the journey that you're, you're on right now. If you don't enjoy the journey, if you don't live in the present, if you don't choose to love yourself right now, you're always going to be chasing something. You're always going to be chasing something. Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate you to the moon and back. Of course, of course. And thank you guys for tuning in. Um, I will see you in. Two weeks, we post a new episode every single Sunday at 12 o'clock Eastern Time, um, bi weekly. So I will see you very soon. And thank you, Amanda, for being here once again.
Amanda Makabali:Thanks, Jules.
