stop being so mean to yourself, 3 ways to change how you speak to yourself.

i know you've heard it- we are our own toughest critic, and sometimes we don't even realize just how much we negatively affirm ourselves. we're subconsciously unkind or outright mean.

most of what we say to ourselves, we would never say to a friend or someone we care about, so really- why would we say it to ourselves?

in this episode, we'll go into 3 different ways you can correct this subconscious thinking and affirm yourself in kinder, more loving ways- as you deserve.

grab "buy yourself the f*cking lilies" by tara schuster here

connect with julia on instagram @beautybyjulia + tik tok @juliasalvia

unlock more archive content on instagram @theselflovearchive + tik tok @theselflovearchives

sign up for the self-love archives newsletter: www.theselflovearchives.com

Transcript

Julia Salvia: 0:00

Why are you so mean to yourself? I know we do it. I know we have those moments of you're so stupid. Why did you do that? Why did you say that? Why did you think that way? I had a moment the other day. I was at Costco. Love Costco. And I do this a lot. I'm a very I'm a very honest person and sometimes it's like a double edged sword, right? I'm, I'm honest. I don't lie. I feel like if you're gonna ask me a question or you're gonna say something to me or have a conversation with me, I'm gonna be so brutally honest sometimes that I'm getting like the other side of the sword, you know? But then sometimes, you know, I'm the person you want to come to because I'm going to tell you whether or not that outfit looks good. And of course, it always comes just from my opinion, but I'm honest. Something I always used to say in dating too is that don't ask me a question you don't want the honest answer to. And that's that. But I'm in Costco, I was kind of in my feels, mind you, cause it's Mother's Day weekend and I was, I was just in my feels. As I'm leaving, the woman says to me, Happy Mother's Day. And I look at her, you know the, you know the person that crosses off all the stuff on your receipt to make sure you got all the items and then you leave Costco? If you're a Costco member, you know. And she says to me, Happy Mother's Day. And I look at her. Not like rudely, I just look at her and I'm like, do I, do I look like a mom? She's like, I don't know, you could be. And I was like, I could be, but I'm not. She was like, well, then, you know. Are you at, do you have any pets? And this conversation was like a quick 30 seconds I'm not even joking, but it felt like forever. I go, no, I wish I had a dog She goes, well then happy Mother's Day to your mother and I go, well, I don't know And I just in that moment. She just looks at me. She goes, I'm sorry and And I'm like, it's okay. And we just go, I go about my day, she goes about her day. And I relay this to my boyfriend. And like, I'm like, I'm awkwardly laughing. Because while this is funny, it's not funny. And it's the truth, but it's also, why couldn't you just say And in this moment I'm relaying this to my, to my boyfriend. I'm like, why the fuck did I say that? Why? Like you're, like just, just say thank you and go on with your day. You're such an idiot. And I realize that I have these moments a lot where I just talk a little bit too much or communicate a little bit too much. And I catch myself saying like, shut the fuck up. Why do you keep talking? Just like you don't need to make buddy buddy or have conversations with every person you come across. But that brings me to another question, like why, why are you so mean to yourself? That's who you are I'm just someone who likes to talk. I'm, I'm an honest person to a fault, and I like to create conversation with people. Now, of course, it doesn't always happen in that dark humored kind of way, I love to talk to people. I love to understand people. I love, I mean, why do you think I have a podcast? I know I talk to myself most times, but. If that is who I am, why am I so mean about it? Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why are we so unkind? Why are we so judgmental? Hello, hello. Welcome back to the Self Love Archives podcast. My name is Julia Salvia. I am your host, your best friend, your big sister, your self love guide, all the above. And I'm here to kind of set you straight today. And really ask you, why are you so mean to yourself? Stop being so mean to yourself. Let me ask you this. Would you say, the things that you say to yourself, and I think we subconsciously say these things to ourselves and we don't even realize that we're being so unkind or mean or judgmental to ourselves, but let's say you catch yourself and you're more aware of the fact that maybe you don't speak so nicely and maybe, maybe you say things like, oh that was so stupid of me. That was so silly of me. Ugh, I look like shit today. Maybe those things are so subconsciously done. You know, when you wake up in the morning or you're going to do something or you just talk a little bit too much, like me, and you don't even realize that you're being so unkind to yourself. The way that you talk to yourself, though, subconsciously or not, whether you're aware of it or not, would you ever say that to someone? To a stranger? To a friend of yours To a sister to me Would you ever say those things? That you say about yourself the things the unkind things that you say about yourself. Would you ever say those? things to someone that you care about? I wouldd hope that your answer is no So if we wouldn't say these unkind things to people that we care about Why would we say them to ourselves? When we wake up in the morning and look at ourselves in the mirror, and we're like, ugh, You look so tired You look so horrible Or you try something on and you say, oh, I look so fat. I look so ugly today Or you talk a little bit too much. Why do you talk so much? Why are you so stupid? I don't think that we realize when we are saying these things to ourselves the impact that it can have on who we are as a person. On how we feel about ourselves in certain moments or throughout the day. It's a super tough thing to correct something that we might not be aware of or something that we might subconciously be doing and not even realizing it. like that moment in the mirror when you wake up in the morning and it's just you're half asleep and you're like, oh I look so fucking shot. I look so tired. You might not even realize it. But I want you to stop and think for a moment and really go throughout the next week and see where, catch yourself, be more aware. Consciously See all of or hear all of the things that you say to yourself whether you're saying it out loud Or you're saying it in your head Be more consciously aware Of how you're speaking to yourself I have this really amazing book next to me. It's called by yourself the fucking lilies by tara schuster and I started reading this book the beginning of it and You I never actually ended up finishing it and now I'm finally getting back to finishing this book, but this book inspired today's episode. I think there are so many things in my own self love journey that I have started to do that I haven't even realized are Things that I've already moved past, or things that I don't even realize that I'm doing. Like speaking more kindly to myself. I've done a much better job, I'll give myself a little bit of credit, give credit where it's due, where most of the times where I used to speak really horribly to myself is when I would look at myself in the mirror. And usually it was that moment where you're switching out from whatever clothes you're wearing for the day into your pjs or into an outfit that you're going out in. And I would speak so unkindly to myself directly in the mirror. I would say things like, you look so fat, I wish I could change this, um, why, why did you let yourself go, fix this, do that. I was never kind to my body in, in the moment. And I started to become a lot more aware of that, especially when I would be filming a video trying on a bunch of different dresses or outfits. And I would. in the moment. Look at myself in the mirror and I would say out loud in the video, you know, like, this does not look good on me. I hate this. This is horrible. Like, I don't, like, it doesn't flatter me, it doesn't look good. Like I would be kind of mean to myself. And I would put that video together, edit it, and, and post it and share it with you guys. And I would look back at the video as I'm editing it and. say to myself, because I'm seeing myself from a different perspective, and I would look at it and I'm like, you actually look, you look really good. What are you talking about? Like, almost like me talking to myself through, through the camera, right? And the comments would flood in and everyone would agree. On the positive end for the most part saying, you know, you look so good in that dress What do you mean? You don't like that dress or what do you mean? You like this one better than that one I think this one looks amazing on you and it would Give me a little boost to my confidence number one, but number two it made me Reflect on how I speak to myself I wanted these videos of me trying on dresses and whatnot to be really raw moments of just what's going on in my head. I'm usually someone that speaks out loud anyways. about how I feel about something. I, there's so much that goes on in my brain, but most of it just gets spewed out. Like I just talk it out. I talk to myself. I talk to others. So as I'm trying these dresses on, I'm just saying everything that's going through my head. And most of the time, a lot of those things are just so negative or mean or judgmental or unkind. They're truly picking. myself apart. I'm picking myself apart and then I'm editing and throwing that video together and sharing it with the world and showing you how me as just another, another girl here doing her best to love herself more is also picking herself apart. When I realized this and I realized all those moments in the mirror I was speaking so unkindly to myself. I did my best to Not do that anymore, and it's not it's not an it's not an easy thing. It's not an easy thing to be so used to mindlessly subconsciously Speaking this way to yourself because to be honest with you. It's kind of It's kind of in our nature as humans a bit to Be so hard on ourselves to be so judgmental of ourselves I mean the only person we're really ever in competition with is ourselves, right? so to stop for a moment and to Not only be aware of how i'm speaking to myself, but to be More to actionably Speak more kindly to myself in the mirror, especially in those moments where i'm just raw Like, things are just raw and naked. Everything's out there, right in front of me, in the mirror. And there's a lot of mirrors in my house. It, it changed my perspective on the way that I look at my body. Most especially, the way that I look at my body. But this book, Buy Yourself a Fucking Lily's, really goes into and talks about How you deserve so much. You deserve to be grateful for the little things, the big things. The things that maybe didn't go the way that you intended them to go. And for the things that did go the way you intended them to go. To do something for yourself every single day. because you deserve that. To speak more kindly to yourself because you deserve that. To create spaces for yourself that are yours, that are comfortable, that you love because you deserve that. In the same way that we deserve to be treated kindly by other people, we also deserve to be treated kindly by ourselves. And the one that we truly, at the end of the day, only have control over is how we treat ourselves. I like to re, redo the, the sentence a little bit. I like to reframe how I speak to myself in a couple of different ways. Instead of saying, I'm going to speak more kindly to myself, you can say things like, I deserve to speak more kindly to myself. I have the opportunity. to speak more kindly to myself. Because those things are also very true. Very much true. You always hear about affirmations. And actually saying affirmations to yourself, writing these affirmations down. While affirmations are usually inherently positive, Looking at ourself in the mirror or speaking to ourself in this negative way could be an affirmation that we aren't deserving of that kindness. And that is not, that is beyond not true. You deserve that kindness not only from others, but most especially from yourself. You are the most important person. That kindness. Should come from Because if we can't treat ourselves with kindness what's going to make ourself Believe what's gonna make our brain believe that we deserve that from others. It's almost like this walking contradiction in a way because we would never speak that way To someone we love or a stranger or someone we care about Here are three different ways that you can incorporate more positive Affirmations into your day so much so that they will at some point become such a subconscious task in the same way that these negative affirmations. And in the same way that you being mean to yourself has become so subconscious. Number one, every time you see yourself in a mirror, yes, every time I'm talking, when you walk into the bathroom at work, when you wake up in the morning, whenever you look at your phone screen and you see yourself in there, say something kind about yourself. Even if you believe deep down that you are lying to yourself. Tell yourself that you are beautiful. That you are deserving of this compliment. That you have the opportunity to give yourself these positive affirmations. I think this is the most important way to provide yourself with an affirmation. It's the most important timing to speak kindly to yourself, because you're literally looking at yourself in the face and telling yourself how much you love them, how beautiful you are, how amazing you are, how beautiful you are. Stunning you are, how good you look in that dress, how happy you are today, whatever it is, whatever you want to say. Every time, especially first thing in the morning, look at yourself, look yourself in the eyes, directly in the eyes, in the mirror, and tell yourself, say something to yourself that is kind. Number two. I personally do this every single morning. I know writing is not necessarily for everyone But I journal every single morning I find that it really gets a lot of my thoughts out of my head and onto paper and if I'm answering a question, a journal prompt, or Just writing down what I'm grateful for. I always find that the one thing that I'm missing in in any sort of journaling session in the morning is an affirmation to myself. So taking a moment, whether that is in the morning or at any part of your day, to write down things that you are grateful for or, things that you love about yourself or an affirmation, a true affirmation of who you are can be so enlightening, can be so aligning, and can really just turn your day around in such a small way. And number three, if you can, catch yourself the next time that you are feeling some sort of way. Like. You're not happy with the way that you look today, you're not happy with something that you had said, or you catch yourself simply being unkind to yourself. If you can catch yourself, acknowledge that that may be how you feel right now, but note and remind yourself that that is not true Let's say that you are trying on a dress and you say to yourself, I look so ugly If you can catch yourself in that moment and Follow this unkind Statement to yourself with an I'm sorry I acknowledge that I don't feel good about myself in this dress. But it doesn't make me any less than. It doesn't make me any less beautiful than I am. Clothes are supposed to fit me, not the other way around. So following up this unkind comment to yourself with gratitude and recognition and acknowledgement for how you're feeling in this moment about your body, about yourself, Whatever it may be. And then providing yourself with a positive affirmation. This week, commit to two things. I was going to say for me, but commit to two things for yourself this week. The first thing is commit to providing yourself with affirmations every single day. And these affirmations could look like. anything that you want them to look like. My affirmations usually range from whatever comes to my head first and most times I have pretty much the same adjectives to just to describe myself that I like to remind myself of, that I'm strong, I'm beautiful, I'm worthy, I'm deserving of love. And other days I provide myself with affirmations of the person, my higher self, that I am wanting to become or that I believe that I am in this moment. Like, that I am a successful CEO of a self love brand. I am a healthy and fit woman. I am a beautiful person. I have a kind heart. Anything that is really representative of the person that you want to be. An affirmation that helps you truly believe that that is who you are in this moment. And the second thing that I would love for you to commit to this week. Be more aware. of how you speak to yourself. Reflect on when you speak to yourself in this mean or unkind or judgmental way. And see if you can catch yourself before you say something unkind or see if you can rephrase what you're saying or acknowledge what you're saying. And correct yourself with something that is kind. I love this book so much. I am going to put it in the show notes below. It is definitely a very easy read and it is a wonderfully inspiring read, so I definitely recommend you checking it out. But besides this book, be kinder to yourself this week. And watch how easy it is. If you can commit to being kinder to yourself this week, watch how easy it is to continuously be kinder to yourself as you move through life and move throughout your self love journey. Thank you guys so much for tuning into the Self Love Archives podcast. I appreciate you to the moon and back. As I said, be kinder to yourself this week. Please. I love you a ton, and I'll see you in the next episode. Bye.