understanding hate in a social media fueled world

the hate is getting out of hand on my socials, but i have a bit of a different approach to it- i’m grateful (not crazy, i promise). the hate reminds me that the self-love archives is so much more needed in this world because so many women don’t love themselves.

but how could i expect them to, right? because as women we’re told to look pretty, but not too pretty. speak up, but not too much. dress a certain way, be a certain way, act a certain way. this is so ingrained in us that when someone even steps out of the “norm”, it asks us to look back at ourselves and question everything.

today’s episode, i wanted to dive a bit deeper into this hate and my responses, how words actually can hurt, and how we all can handle hate in small doses or to this magnitude.

remember, being vulnerable in any way is a strength, even if most of the world doesn’t seem to agree. i’m proud of you, for being you.

connect with julia on instagram @beautybyjulia + tik tok @juliasalvia

unlock more archive content on instagram @theselflovearchive + tik tok @theselflovearchives

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Transcript

Julia Salvia: 0:00

Getting hate on social media is wild. Iand never understood it to this magnitude until recently. And I've been on social media a really, really long time. I'm talking over a decade at this point. And I've gotten hate. I've had people say mean things to me. I have had those negative comments. But nothing prepared me to receive as much hate as I am receiving right now in this very moment on my social media platforms. And I think there's a really important lesson that we can all take from the hate that I'm receiving on social media, and that's what we're going to be talking about today, because whether you are an influencer or not, whether you are posting to social media or not, in one way or another, you're going to receive some sort of hate from some sort of person, whether you know that person personally, or you don't know that person at all. After this episode today, you're going to look at this hate a lot differently. Hello, hello. Welcome back to the Self Love Archives podcast. I am your host, Julia Salvia, also known as your self love big sister, your self love guide, your self love best friend, whatever you want to call me. I am here to show you how to love yourself more, to teach you how to love yourself more, to push you to love yourself more because it is the most important thing that you can do for yourself and for everyone else around you. Ah, so the dreaded hate, the crazy amount of hate, the wild hate that I am getting on my social media the past couple of weeks has actually been, a couple of weeks actually, let's take that, let's take it, take it back a step, past couple of months has been crazy. And there's something, there's actually a couple of things in common with all of the people, all of the types, and all of the words that are being said to me. And as I was trying to figure out what to sit down and talk to you about for today's episode, I Was kind of drawing a blank because there really hasn't been much on my mind lately like my birthday's over Valentine's Day is over We passed all of the holidays like a lot has been going on And I think my brain is just in this place. We're like, hey, babe, gotta Chill out. Gotta relax a little bit. And I'm wondering if you felt like this for February, too, because everyone that I talked to, spoke to, was like, yeah, February's wild. And February definitely was so crazy for me, too. But in the midst of February, I posted a video going to one of my friend's weddings. And I got And I still am getting tons and tons of hate on that video. That video went viral. A couple of videos went viral of mine. And this happened also back in September when I also was picking out an outfit and getting dressed for a wedding. And this also happened in January when I was also picking out a dress and getting ready for a wedding. You see the commonality here? Though I am seeing a lot of hate on a lot of my videos where I'm putting on clothes, where I'm getting dressed to go somewhere, whether it's a date, a wedding, an event, um, just to leave the freaking house. There's so much hate on all of these videos of me just sharing what I'm wearing for the day. I've been on social media for a long time and I'm not not used to hate I'm definitely used to people Disliking what I'm posting or making assumptions about me or putting me on a pedestal. It happens when you are very much a public figure or putting your life out there. People feel as though they are entitled to provide their opinion, even when it's not asked for, or provide what they think is an opinion, but is actually just criticism and being absolutely mean as fuck. Something with social media makes a lot of people think Almost gives people this bravery, this courage to say truly whatever the fuck they want without any repercussions because they don't know this person personally. A lot of the women that I follow on social media, a lot of the influencers and creators that I follow are women. And A lot of those women talk about how they receive a lot of hate from men. Men saying this, men saying that. So, I had to kind of reflect when I started seeing all of these not so nice comments roll in from women. Why was my content so different? that the hate that I'm receiving isn't from men, it's from women. Don't get me wrong, there's one or two stragglers of men in the comments, but for the most part, it is like 98 percent women that are speaking their minds and telling me that my belly's too big for this dress, or telling me that I should wear a bra, or that I Need shapewear and the dress would be perfect or that I should never wear something like that I'm going to outshine the bride or Everybody's eyes are gonna be on me, all the attention is going to be on me, my boobs are saggy I need to wear a better dress for my body shape. An a line would look better on me It goes on and on Whenever someone talks about you or hates on you or has a very, very, very opinionated opinion or is very critical of you or is essentially disrespectful towards you. There's one thing to provide an opinion And there's another to be critical of someone's choices and to be unkind when I don't even want to call it an opinion because it's not an opinion when you're unkind and critical towards someone. It's one thing to be kind and dislike something. And it's another to be cruel about someone's choices. And this is not just on social media, this goes for everyday life. The bullies in our lives, the people that talk behind our backs, the people that have some fucking balls to say something unkind to our face through a text message, over the phone, people we don't even know. And sometimes people we do know. Out of all of the comments that I have witnessed, specifically on social media, it seems that What the person is complaining about, or criticizing, or getting angry about, is something that they feel shamed for, or insecure about. There are some comments of women literally stating, I wouldn't wear this dress because it would show my belly, but I'm glad that you can rock it. I wouldn't wear that dress because of its cutouts because I'd be insecure. Those women are basically saying that their opinion is rooted in their own insecurities. That it's not that they don't dislike the dress, they don't like it for themselves, they wouldn't wear it for themselves because they would feel insecure in the outfit, in the dress. It's wild to me that anyone would criticize any part of my body or tell me how to dress or what to wear or what not to wear or how, how or who I am as a person. How someone could, would think to even comment that. In the first place, think about that, but in the second place, to actually go ahead and comment that on a video. Because if I'm scrolling by something or someone that I disagree with or have a very strong opinion about, the last thing I do is comment on it. The last thing I ever do. What to be honest with you the last thing I ever do because the last thing I would ever think of is to comment on Someone's body or how they dress or what they wear especially when it's very clear that it makes them happy and that they feel good in it because at the end of the day that Really is all that matters. Someone said the most is interesting thing to me that all of this insecurity and shame that are coming from all of these women that are commenting such mean things, I think a lot of them aren't actually even trying to be mean. I think that a lot of them are coming from a very uneducated space, a lack of the self awareness of the effect that society has on us. That we have preconceived opinions or notions. Whatever that terminology is, we have our biases based on how we were raised, and what we've experienced in life, and who we surround ourselves with. Our religions can very much shame us into wearing certain things. our schools can do the same, the way that we are raised can do the same, so many of these different things that as someone who really tries to be very self aware of not just myself, but of the people around me, to understand why someone makes the choices that they do, why someone wants to wear the clothing that they want to wear, why someone wants to dress the way they want to dress. My content shows everyone a mirror. My content shows a mirror not just with you know Me wearing what I want to wear and getting dressed in a body that isn't ideally what society finds beautiful. My content, when we go past me just getting dressed and putting on clothes or showing you my outfit of the day, my lifestyle, my vulnerability, all of these videos that I share with the world, and a lot of the videos that we share with the world now, hold up a mirror to everyone and ask, how does this video make you feel? How does this video make you feel about yourself? A lot of the women that are hating in my videos are above the age of 50, 60. It's very clear. It's very obvious. There's a lot of similarities. It's almost like, 50, I would say 50 to like 80 percent of the people that are hating on these videos are much older women from the baby boomer generation. And the other 20 percent are high school kids and then a mix of that 100 percent of the people hating are religious. don't necessarily fault girls hating That are in high school or younger girls for Their biases. I don't I don't know what it's like to grow up with Social media at such a young age. I wasn't really introduced to social media until I can't even say that. I can't even say that. Cause now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, I was introduced to social media at a very, very young age. And, like, MySpace. MySpace and Facebook existed. But Instagram really didn't become a platform until I was in my first year of college. But I think what I mean is to the extent that, like, even my sister, my sister's 20. She truly grew up with social media, and I think that is a wild world to grow up in. But then I stopped to think about how harsh the world was for women who were a part of the baby boomer generation. For the women that are in my comments, that are absolutely berating me and being unkind and being cruel. And I think that half of them don't even realize that they are. Because it is the hardest thing in the world to self-reflect and become so self-aware of yourself and the effect that you have on other people with things that you say. My mom used to say this one thing when I was younger and I it never It never aligned. I don't think that there isn't truth to it, but it never aligned with It never aligned. It just never made sense to me. It was, sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Words are so fucking powerful. And to think that words will never hurt someone, or will never hurt you, is simply just a really negligent thing to say. It's simply not true. Sure, sticks and stones can break my bones. Sure, you can, if someone hits me, or pushes me, or hurts me, or if something physically happens to me, where you, another person, where another person can see that I'm physically hurt, that's still hurt. You know, I'm, I'm hurt. Yeah, you can see that. But you don't need to see hurt for to be there. The way that your words can affect someone for the rest of their life is wild. The fact that I remember that saying because it had such an impact on who I am as a person. Because for most of my life, I was hurt by words more than I was physically hurt. And there were so many times in my life where I decided to be small, to allow my fears to get in the way because I didn't think that anyone would believe me if I told them that I was being emotionally or mentally abused over being physically abused. That no one would believe me if I told them that this person said this to me and this person said that to me and it really hurt me and it stayed with me for years upon years upon years over telling someone that someone pushed me or left a bruise on my leg words do hurt. Sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will also hurt me. Some people ask me why or how do I even handle the hate that I'm getting on social media? Like, how do I not let it affect me? I'm actually grateful in the, in the weirdest way. I am grateful, hear me out, for all of the hate. That I'm getting. And I'm talking like, these videos have millions of views, there are thousands of comments of people calling me fat, calling me ugly, telling me that I shouldn't wear this, or telling me who I am, or telling me how I should be, or what I should wear, or who I am. There are thousands of comments. And I've never experienced that in all of my career as a creator, in the decade plus that I've been a creator, I've never experienced hate like this. But what allows me to, I guess what people would call, have a backbone, is the reminder that the hate coming from all of these women is just a reflection of themselves. It's a reflection of how insecure they are. It's a reflection that they're seeing in the mirror that I'm holding up to them by sharing this piece of content. The reason why there is so much hate on these videos is because I don't do things according to society, according to the norm, according to a religion, according to how I was raised. I do everything according to how it makes me feel. Bras did not make me feel good. They were uncomfortable, so I stopped wearing them. Dressing in an A line dress. Or wearing frilly, girly dresses with big poofy skirts and sleeves and No, that was not for me. I felt like a garbage bag, honestly. A garbage bag with roses on it. A garbage bag with floral print on it. And it's not for me. Shapewear, any type of shapewear, any type of shapewear, makes me feel the same way I feel about myself. when I wear a bra. It's tight, it's uncomfortable, it is so difficult, especially as someone who has to pee every five minutes so I don't wear them. I love dresses that show off my figure. I love clothing that is colorful and unique and different. I love dressing in clothing that makes me feel good about myself. And I'll be damned if a 50 year old Karen has anything to say about it. When you step outside of the normal box, whenever you do something that isn't quote unquote normal, That's when you start to get hate. When you outwardly love yourself and express your vulnerabilities and communicate that it is totally and irrevocably okay to be yourself. That's when you get hate. when you decide to be completely and utterly who you are, sharing all the things that you love and you like, and what makes you feel the best, what makes you feel the most self love you've ever felt in your life, that's when you get hate. Because you have all of these people who aren't able to do it for themselves, who aren't even self aware enough to realize that they can't do it for themselves because they're too scared, too insecure, too worried about how much shame they're going to receive or how much hate they're going to receive. So at the end of the day, Does it get overwhelming? Transparency. Little transparency here. Does it get really overwhelming to receive hate after hate after hate after hate comment? Yes, of course, of course. All of this You're sharing something that you love, or you are just being fully and irrevocably yourself, and thousands of people have something to say about it. In the midst of the thousands of other people that love what you have. In the midst of the thousand of other people who love what you're sharing. I hope that you know that any hate is never a reflection of you, but a reflection of them. Because your content is simply holding up a mirror. A mirror that shows these people who they truly are. How they truly feel about themselves. Because someone who is Fully. happy with who they are, someone who is on their healing journey, their self love journey, isn't going to discredit or criticize someone else. Even if their choices are different than the ones that they would make for themselves. Someone who loves themselves and someone who is self aware of their own shortcomings and flaws and insecurities, someone who is healing and someone who is choosing to love themselves isn't going to hate. On anything that you share, or anything that you do, or anything that you are. A big part of me feels bad for this generation, this baby boomer generation of women. Because I can't even imagine what it's like to grow up in a society that isn't for women. We've evolved so much over the 30 years that I've been alive Women are so much more kind, are so much more welcoming, and are so much more communicative. Like, we have a voice now. So to see women use that voice through hate is so disappointing and so upsetting. But to know that we are able to have a voice now, that we're able to share our opinions and our experiences, and to actually be humans in this society, is so amazing that I couldn't even imagine what it was like to be a woman in 1975. Or a woman in 1980. Or 1985. Or even 1990. The only generation where I know what it's like to be a woman is this one right now. Ever since 1994. And I can't even say that I really knew what it was like to be a woman in 1994 to like 2005 because I was a child. Just knowing that when I was growing up there were magazines with skinny women on it. There were tv shows with skinny women in them. At school and at all of the extracurricular activities or at all of the sports and everything, the popular girls were always the pretty skinny ones. The societal standard of beauty was pushed down our throat so much so that anyone, everyone, felt ugly. Whether it was because our hair wasn't this way, or our body didn't look like this, or our lips didn't look like that, our nose didn't look like that, our eyes were this color, our skin was this color, our feet were too big, our stomachs were too big, our boobs weren't big enough. Whatever it was, we were all made to feel as if we were ugly. But as the internet and social media started to become a thing, there's this very, very ugly side to social media. There's this, this space of fakeness, this side of social media where no one actually wants you to know who they truly are. But then there's this other side. This side of people and women being vulnerable with who they are and the things that they have gone through and the things that they have experienced. From very, very simple things like having, just having a bad day, to really, really serious topics abusive relationships, eating disorders, or things that they have truly gone through. And I commend that side of social media for being so vulnerable and so deep and so open to sharing something that is so fucking scary to share. Because that side of social media allows others to know that they are not alone in whatever they are experiencing or whatever they're going through. And that's the side of social media I always want to be on. And that's the side of social media I always want to be a part of. Because sure, is it nice to vicariously live through someone else's lavish life? Of course, but what did it take for them to have that lavish lifestyle? How do they really feel about that? themselves Behind the highlight reel that they're sharing with the world For some people social media is just a job And for some people a job is one where they show up Put on a pretty face make money and they harbor all of their feelings and themselves at home They let all of that go when they are at home. And that's okay. But the side of social media that I want to be on and be a part of is not that side. It's the side of social media where we are honest, and we are vulnerable, and we are not afraid to be ourselves. And we want to share our experiences with the world because there's a small potential. There's this, this small little bit of hope that it could reach someone else and help them with whatever they're going through. I had a meeting with an intuitive person on my birthday and she said something really lovely that kind of brought everything full circle. Because I was taking a lot of time out of my day to answer a lot of the people that were saying cruel things on my platform. And not necessarily coming to my own defense, but more so to come to the defense of all women, and to come to the defense of everyone that would be seeing these comments and watching the video. Because I think it was important to Respond uniquely back to certain people based on what they had to say. Someone had said, Maybe before you post the video, you should also state in the video that this is for a different kind of wedding than most of us quote unquote common folk would attend. Maybe next time start with that and state the premise of the evening a little bit better. My response to her was, I don't really have to say anything. People just make assumptions that all weddings are modest and religious and to be honest, even if it was, I still wouldn't dress that way because I'm not modest or religious. No creator has to explain themselves. If you don't get it or don't like it, then you're not my audience and for humor Because if you know me, I am someone who has quite the sarcastic Dark humor Some of them I just have to laugh at this one says you're definitely not mid sized Lol, your plus size is fuck girl. You big big and not slim thick and my response is lmao. Are you okay? But then there are responses like this that I feel like a lot of women and a lot of young girls really need to hear. This person said, she only wants the ones who tell her she's beautiful. Body positivity is great and some people clearly like having their under boob hanging out. Quote unquote, just because it zips doesn't mean it fits. She's from the generation of entitlement, and I can wear whatever I want and let it all hang out and don't care what people think. It's kind of sad. I'm finding body positivity is different from self respect. My response to this woman was, It seems like you don't actually understand what self love is. I am allowed to wear whatever I want despite ugly societal standards and those who abide by them out of fear and insecurity of others opinions. There are many people here that have different opinions on this dress. Some are kind, and some are not opinions. They are criticizing my body, or who I am as a person, based on a 90 second video. So sure, you're right, I'm not looking for comments from cruel people like yourself. And sure, I'm entitled to wear and be whatever I want, but I'm grateful that I don't feel as though I'm entitled to comment on a random person's video and say cruel things about them and think it's okay. I hope you find a little more love in your heart and really understand your own actions and how they affect others. I would only hope that you'd never treat a friend, a daughter, or someone you know the way you commented on my video. There was even a hate comment, actually. This one got me a little upset because this comment was on a video of me showing like a very vulnerable side of me. I was very in my head about myself and I didn't purposely set the camera up to catch myself crying. I set the camera up for kind of like a hair tutorial of me doing my hair, although I knew that I wasn't in the greatest of mindset to do so. So while I was doing my hair, I was very in my head and I started crying. So I took that footage and. Was like I know that there's someone else out there that is feeling a similar way I know that there's someone else out there that probably feels not good enough or that they're not doing enough and I want to share this because that's exactly how I'm feeling my whole Goal at the end of the day is to reach Someone, like at least one person that might be feeling this way to let them know that they're not going through it alone. So this person said, I don't get this trend of setting up a camera to video yourself crying so you can post on the internet for sympathy. If you really feel this way, then this is not how you fix it. Sympathy crying on the internet to strangers will absolutely not make you feel less alone. It will amplify that feeling Get out of your own comfort zone and do things you like this will help you meet new people who like those things, too That's how you stop feeling alone Not video crying so you can try to go viral. My response? You seem new here. In a plethora of comments of women relating and finding comfort in the vulnerability of this video, you're here thinking I'm looking for virality or sympathy, making an assumption that I set up the camera to purposely cry. As arrogant as your comment is, truly though, I'm grateful for your comment , because it is a reminder that what I am doing here and changes I want to make in this world are so much more needed. And the last one I want to share with you guys for today's episode this woman had commented on one of my videos and said that she is a cancer patient, lost her husband, all of these things, while also having something not so nice to say about a dress I was wearing. This response is kind of an all encompassing response to everyone that has something to say about us, about the women who are working on themselves, about the women who are doing their best to heal generational trauma, current trauma. All of the women who are trying to love themselves a little bit more. This response is for you. You seem to need more love in your life. Especially after going through two horribly tough things like cancer and losing a loved one. But having tough things happen to you does not provide the right to be unkind or discredit younger generations for change slash updates or simply doing things out of the norm of what you're used to. Rather than come onto my page in such a defense of your way is the right way, or that there is only one way to dress and or be, open your eyes to the possibility that generations beyond you are finally loving themselves and not trying to fit in these black and white categories. Unfortunately it truly is always the boomer generation that seems to always have something to say about change or something that isn't normal to their own upbringing. And to be honest, I feel sorry for you, because I can't imagine what it was like to be a woman then. I am a woman now, in 2024. And the goal is, and will always be, to uplift women around me, even if we don't agree or value the same thing. It will always be to love ourselves despite living in a world that was built for the eyes, the bodies, and the lives of men. This is more than just a bra or a dress. This is the future. the one that will finally be able to flourish when unkind and unsupportive people like you either find love in your heart. Or when you finally leave this earth to meet your loved ones. I don't know about you, but I don't want to live my life whether I have one or many, many years left with hate in my heart. I was sitting in an auditorium in high school and we were having this presentation There was this guy And this guy wrote a note to his loved ones. And at the end of the note, it said, If someone smiles at me or says hello to me on my walk, I will turn around and go home. Because that would give him hope. This guy went on his walk. and walked for quite a while to get to one of the biggest bridges in the United States. Not one single person smiled at him, or waved at him, or was kind to him. Not one person gave him even a small glimmer of hope that day. When he got onto The Golden Gate Bridge. He decided to end his life Now whether that story is true or has some truth to it, I would rather be kind and give everyone love than to hold resentment and hate And anger and fear and insecurity in my heart. I would rather be kind. I hope that you can remember that it is so amazing and so freeing to be who you truly are. To wear whatever you want. To like all the things that you like. To eat whatever you want to eat. To be truly and irrevocably yourself. From head to toe, everything in between, and everything inside of you. Despite what society says you should be, you should wear, you should eat. Despite what someone hating on you Despite what thousands of people have to say. How empowering and how amazing is it that you get to be yourself? That you get to be everything that you want to be. And I'm so proud of you for that. And I hope you are so proud of yourself for that. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of The Self Love Archives. This one's got me all up in my feels at the end of this. So let's all just take a deep breath. Do a couple more for me. Thank you truly for being here and chatting with me. Remember, remember, remember, I'm proud of you for being you. And the journey to loving ourselves more is not easy by any means. No one, I, I never said it was easy, but no one ever said it was easy, but it is so empowering and so amazing to be able to love ourselves more, to be capable of loving ourselves more. Until next time, I will see you guys in two weeks, same time, 12 o'clock eastern time, Sunday. I love you a ton. Keep being truly and irrevocably you, and I'll see you soon. Bye.